The Met Gala.
A stereotypical female and stereotypical gay male’s greatest dream night.
You are in a gown he designed, of course. It is stunning, floor length, a mixture of sequins, feathers, and the skin of the rarest albino koala found only in the sickliest part of a rainforest in Asia.
Oh yes, can you imagine a better night out? A night of glitz, glamour, fun and fashion frivolity--as long as you can stand the judgmental glares and back-handed compliments dished out by envious fashion reporters and other underfed participants.
Yes friends, for a low, low “recession proof” ticket price of $25,000 you, too, could be a part of THE MET GALA! (As long Anna Wintour approves of your presence that is). She hand selects everyone who goes. Only the crème de la crème, the best, the most beautiful, the most talented are allowed to enter. You know what that means? Us common, non-fur wearing, unabashedly eating folk will most likely never be able to grace the GALA, which, for legal reasons, I have to capitalize from here on forth in order to further demonstrate its awesomeness.
Since we cannot attend, I, a lowly writer who is a lover of converse, and wearer of many a Target graphic t-shirt, will guide you through some of the evenings most controversial gowns.
Please enjoy the spectacle! The beauty! And my mind numbing ignorance of fashion!
First up, I bring you BEYONCE!
Gaze at it my friends. No, your eyes are not deceiving you; this dress is a femme fatale combination of sequins, lace, feathers, and bare ass. Do you see the peak-a-boo lining that frames her bodacious boo-tay with a cut out as subtle as if someone painted a giant red arrow on her torso pointing downward? If you don’t, you most likely lack eyes. A common problem that you should treat before attempting to read the rest of this article.
Most would say that Beyonce is making a dramatic statement with this gown. What is the statement, you ask? Firstly, it says “Post baby body is back and I want everyone to see me in all of my semi-nude glory.” Secondly, “I may not still be a single lady, but I am goddamn a MILF, and don’t you ever forget it!”
Sending a slightly different message was a Miss Florence Welch, in this, shall we say, unique number.
The question is, what does this dress say? Well, one thing is for certain, it is not speaking in a language that I understand, however, chances are that its some sort of dialectal variation of Klingon.
I’m sure there are some aliens, currently reading my article in order to get a good read on the character of the human race (excellent choice, my green friend!) that are getting pretty hot and bothered by this photo.
“This one, they say, looks ripe for a probing, if ya know what I’m sayin’!” says a sexually deprived space cephalopod who is bad at making puns.
Despite my silliness, I do say that in some strange way, I like this dress. It’s as if a Spanish senorita had a quickie with lady GaGa’s bubble dress, but then quickly ran back to her Astronaut husband.
Onto the next gown of the evening, being worn by a Rude-Boy lovin’ Rihanna.
Before knowing what this dress was made out of, I thought HOT HOT HOT. Slice me a piece of that, girl! She looks like she’s liquefied, like the dress is a second skin, that you kind of want her to shed, and yet she looks so good you just say screw my carnal passions, I just want to look at you, dammit!
Then I realized that this dress is made out of the skin of a poor, poor alligator who apparently was EXTREMELY sexy. This guy/girl, must’ve gotten so much fellow alligator ass, that the designer Tom Ford himself become so overwhelmed, that he decided the only plausible solution was to literally turn this sex-beast of an alligator into fabric.
This just isn’t cool. As far as designers go, I’m actually semi-familiar with Tom Ford, and I think his dresses are gorgeous, but c’mon, you could easily replicate this look with synthetic fabrics. Margarine exists, it’s synthetic, AND WE EAT IT. So why the hell are you so opposed to synthetic alligator skin? You want to suffer for beauty? Fine. But don’t make an animal suffer for you. It’s a shame, because it’s a gorgeous dress, but the idea of an animal being skinned for it kinda kills it for me, to be honest.
Last but not least, is the piece de resistance, BEHOLD!
A FIREWORK OF A GOLDEN DRESS!! With a matching turban? I have never seen such a thing, and yet friends, it is indeed so!
And oh, how I marvel at it. It’s kooky without being too crazy, yet beautifully crafted without the cruelty of slaying and skinning an alligator with mad game. It screams high fashion and yet it’s a dress that you’d actually want to wear, and there are no traces of bare ass to be seen. A fine dress indeed. This dress is, in my opinion, the Met GALA’s literal savior. This dress can work miracles--it makes me almost wish I knew more about clothes and owned my own glittering turban. I mean it’s so obvious! Who doesn’t like stylish scalp protection?
Also, I didn’t recognize who was wearing the dress, but apparently her name is Karolina Kurkova, who is a Victoria’s Secret angel, a biggest supermodel, in addition to being an “aspiring actress,” and really, aren’t we all?!
No, self. No we are not.
Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed the frivolity as much as I have. Which is to say, a little more than I am comfortable with.
And remember folks, it’s not what you wear, it’s…well, actually, it is what you wear. That is to say, you should be wearing something. “How you wear” nudity is fairly moot, and I’m sorry, you could put a ten pound slug into Rihanna’s dress, and everyone would want to do it. And “who you’re wearing” doesn’t really seem to mean a whole hell of a lot to me--an ugly dress is an ugly dress, and a stunner is a stunner. And if you’re naked, well, you’re wearing you, in addition to having some serious balls my friend, that most people will bear witness too, considering you are NAKED.
I’m not going to lie, I don’t “get” fashion the majority of the time. But I think if there’s ever a time to enjoy it, it’s for special occasions like these, and I think there’s nothing wrong to having a few personal Met GALA’s in your own life.
In fact, if pop culture serves me right, for the stereotypical female and gay male--they’re an actual necessity.
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