The ‘Octomom’ Takes Matter into Her Own Hands

Let this be a lesson to all.

Babies are no joke. Babies are time consuming. Babies are fragile. Babies need love.

And babies are really freaking expensive.

Thus, if you get pregnant with eight babies, and already have six small children at home, with no money to pay for said eight babies, because you had limited resources for your other six children, three different fates will most likely befall you:

A.) Child services will be all up in your grill.

Author’s note: When I say “your grill” I am colloquially referencing to your house, and by “all up in” I mean that child services will be taking away the aforementioned eight babies and slapping your crazy ass with a law suit.

B.) You will do unspeakable things.

Author’s note: Unspeakable things include but not limited to: Stripping, drug dealing, porn, posing nude, extortion, etc…

C.) Hades, Lord of the Underworld, will travel from the depths of on the back of his three headed dog, Cerberus, (or has Hades calls him, Cookie-Bear) to claim your children as his own--and the kicker is, he will be a more competent parent than you.

Author’s note: On the bright side, I hear Persephone is great with kids.

Regardless, my friends, the Queen of the Crazy, the Czar of the Bizarre, the Sheba of “oh no she didn’t” the so called “Octomom,” Nadya Suleman, has somehow narrowly avoided fate A., has very much delved into fate B. and well, let’s just say, it’s only a matter of time before we see ol’ Cookie-Bear rearin’ his ugly heads in her direction.

After giving birth to a whopping eight babies in 2008 due to a series of what I presume were evil lab experiments testing the elasticity of the uterus/the tolerance of the American public, the Octomom’s brood of six expanded to fourteen.

Recap: Fourteen children, all via IVF, no father, no job, no money, all crazy.

Recently, her Octo-ship has declared bankruptcy. She vowed never to do porn in order to pay the bills, a commendable feat indeed…Although posing topless for a solid $10,000 was ya know, morally sound enough…

Unspeakable act number 1, check. (Author’s note: I do not find posing nude totally unspeakable or anything; it’s just when you do it in order to feed your fourteen children and your breasts most likely have been abused to the point of little to no recognition--it all turns a few shades of disturbing.)

Yet her venture into topless town wasn’t enough. She needed more money. Perfectly understandable; I‘m sure a mother of fourteen tends to go through $10,000 fairly quickly. I’d totally have the capacity to sympathize with her…if she wasn’t bat shit crazy and subjected both an innocent uterus and FOURTEEN children to satiate her desire of being the first person to develop a hoarding problem that involves children rather than Star Trek figurines.

So what’s a girl to do in such a dire situation when money is scarce and the demand for it is high?

What’s that falling out the sky? Why, I think it’s a little shrapnel of dignity that is falling from the sky after another nuclear fallout of her dignity! Unspeakable act number 2 must be right around the corner!

Oh, and it is.

Despite swearing against ever doing porn, her great Octoness is keeping’ it classy by trying her hand (terrible pun approaching!) at being the “star” of her very own “self-pleasuring” video.

Although, being the star of any video in which self-service is the main attempt may seem self-explanatory, I’m sure her Royal Octitude is glowing with pride (or rather deep seated shame) and getting a manicure as we speak.

The video is set to be aired this summer via the inter-web. No word yet on how much she’s being paid, but the action will be available for all of those with twisted minds and problems with masochism for what I’m sure will be a ridiculously overpriced fee; although, you can’t really put a price on unadulterated ignominy.

So what can we learn from this debacle that brings thoughts into my mind that makes my metaphorical corneas bleed?

We can learn. Hopefully.

First of all, impregnating yourself with six embryos; an unsurprisingly bad idea. In vitro fertilization is not for science experiments or to expand your already over-inflated household to the point of explosion. (I could make another comparison to her uterus and childhood chemistry projects involving volcanoes, baking powder, and soda, but I think the uterus jokes have been played out at this point) its for people who want to get pregnant super bad and can’t. Thus, it should absolutely not be used as a tool to help the mentally unsound carry out their insane baby- filled ambitions!

Second of all, we should not have given this woman what she wanted; publicity. We should have taken away what she wanted/wants so badly; children. How this is all totally cool with Child Services is BEYOND me. I’m no psychologist, but it doesn’t take much for me to diagnose Miss Octoembryostein with a severe case of SHE IS A TERRIBLE PARENT-ITUS/TAKE AWAY HER CHILDREN RIGHT NOW DAMMIT-EMIA.

Third of all, I know I’m no moral judge. I have no right to tell anyone what to do with their body, because I sure as hell don’t like it when people tell me what to do with mine…She can do whatever the hell she wants with herself, but to do this to her children, to know that mommy got herself off on camera to pay the bills is not knowledge I’d want to grow up with as a teenager.

Everyone is entitled to have children--but not everyone should be entitled to raise them.

All kidding aside, this chick needs serious help, and needs to be relieved of parenting duties for a long, long time.

Oh, and the creeps who are offering her these deals so she can feed her kids are some seriously horrendous, terrible, and heinously disgusting people.

In the end, it’s people who perpetuate the madness, feed off of it, and profit off of it are the ones that really deserve to be dragged down into the depths of the underworld to become ol’ Cookie Bear’s new chew toys.

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