Two Day Magazine

Watch Out for the Fairy Dust!

Hey um, so I was asleep the other day, and I'm not sure if you know about this. The only reason I know about it is because I went to Catholic school those nuns don't mess around.
 
Regardless, so I was asleep the other day, having a normal teenage dream, you know, the ones about sickly pale british twenty somethings who don't wash themselves and star in crappy movie adaptations--you know, he was caressing me and so on and so forth--when i woke up all of the sudden.
 
There, hovering above me, about to blow enchanted fairy dust into my face, was the Gay Fairy. Everyone knows about the Gay Fairy.  It’s that little guy/girl who floats around sprinkling magic gay dust into peoples faces and making them gay.  I'm pretty sure he has a show on Bravo! or something.  But anyway...
 
Normally, the Gay Fairy strikes a little earlier in adolescence, but, honestly, theres no telling what shim will do sometimes.  Shehe's crazy.
 
So, naturally, I fling the holy water I always keep under my pillow for last minute exorcisms and events such as these, and it hits shim straight (or should I say GAY) on, causing shim to seize, burn, and thus subduing shim long enough to tie a rosary around shim and capture the little bastard for questioning.
 
Just like they taught us in grade school.  Sister Anne would be so proud!  Everyone knows that only Catholic relics have any power against the Gay Fairy. But, I digress.
 
So, I have shim all tied up. Shehe's protesting like a mofo, and it keeps kicking shis little stilettos at me, so I do what I have to do.  I take away its’ tote bag, thus, draining shim of all shim’s fab power.  Without the magic of stereotypes, the Gay Fairy has nothing.
 
The holy water boarding commences.  Once again, Sister Anne would be so proud.
 
"Why?!"  I cried out majestically as I slowly dripped holy water onto shis’ perfectly powdered forehead.  "Why must you turn good straight people into gays which threaten the American Family (TM) and the fabric of society as a whole?!"
 
The Gay Fairy began to omit high pitched and perfectly on key sobs, as if shehe was on broadway show called "Pain: The Musical".  In between those perfect sobs, came a sentence:

"Please like, let me explain, girl.  It’s real complicated."
 
The following account was written by the Gay Fairy it will be like this because is this fabulous?  I think not.  Ah, there we go, much gayer.
                 
Don't judge me, please.  I got a bad rap, I know that.  Its just, you don't understand.  Being one of Satan’s and Karl Rove’s many love children gets real hard (literally, teehee!  Thats what she said, bitches!).  Its just...Everything had been done before you know?  Greed, check. Murder, check. Lying, check, (and also, yawwwn) adultery, check (and, yes please!). 

So, it was like, the sixties and I thought,“you know what would really fuck with everyone's morals?  If I made guys like guys and girls like girls!  Because as everyone knows, love isn't always good.  Sometimes, it can be filthy, dirty, perverse, and wrong.  Because really, what is love other than the need to get hot and sweaty with the same person a lot, am I right?  Holla!  Tap dat ass, boy...As long as that ass belongs to another boy!  If it’s the repeated straight tapping of an ass, its practically marriage, but if its a gay tapping of the ass...See where I'm going people?  Thats right, its an abomination.  A-ZING!”
                 
I know what you're thinking "Pssht, I could have thought of that!" 

Well, you didn't so, boo the fuck hoo.  I WIN!   But, you get what I'm saying though, right?  Love can be wrong because sex can be wrong depending on who you're doing it with.  And, love means nothing other than repeated sex.  Does that make sense?  Doesn't matter, bitches!  'Cause no one thinks about it that hard (teehee!  I did it AGAIN!)! So, anyway, I was like, super insecure because my parents were UBER EVIL.  So, after I invented gay (Leviticus, leshiticus is what I say.  Ooooh, burn!) I then developed a magic gay powder.  Whoever I blow (and trust me, it’s a lot of people) the powder onto, preferably in their face (man, I am on a freakin' roll!), will become gay in a matter of seconds.  One minute, they'll be an all American boy, checking out that tall blonde with a shaved head and muscular arms, the next, they'll be looking at that tall blond with a shaved head and muscular arms...Who has a penis.  And just like that THE GAY FAIRY STRIKES AGAIN!  (I'm working on a theme song.)
               
I can get you at anytime, anywhere.  You’re in the locker room at the local Y, that really hot girl over there who you've totally been thinking about for the past few days because she seems interesting...In a friend type of way, you know.  You just want to be friendly with her.  In a friend kind of way.  Anyway, all the sudden starts warming up right in front of you.  Normally, you'd turn away in modesty and salivate over someone masculine like Justin Bieber (in a wig) but now, because I blew you (Oh yeah I did, pwah!) you decide to uh, take a gander at the goods, if you know what I'm sayin'.  And you know what I did to really fuck with your head?  I get animals, too.  You know those gay Penguins?  That was all me.  Because, if you think it occurs in nature, then you might start thinking that its okay.  Its not, so just stop talking right now, got it?  Let me make this perfectly clear:  I'm gay.  I actually don't have any definable gender.  I swing both ways, because I got all sorts of parts, but I'm mostly gay.  Does that make sense?  It’s mostly because I'm evil.  The two pretty much go together.
                 
What I'm trying to say is, I do it for fun.  I like to fuck things up, you know?  Like families.  Those are the BEST.  Have fun on the street, kiddies!  Jesus don't love you no moe! Teehee!  I know, I know, sooo bad.  I also like to make teenage boys want to join the football team for all of the wrong reasons, and then feel ashamed of themselves and fall into an endless depression.  I like to make a girl's demeanor so gay that other girls begin to mock her and call her "Butch".  It’s just fun.  Because, between the two of us, they kind of want me to do that, you know?  Nothing is more appealing that being tormented.  Its a choice is what I'm saying.  An involuntary, random choice that people make to screw with their beliefs systems, their relationships, and how they deal with society as a whole.  And oh, is it fun!  I mean, the attention and the glamour of being ostracized, mocked, and being made into a one dimensional stereotype for the next Sex and the City movie...
             
There's really nothing like it in the world.  So basically, I'm doing them (I wish!) a favor.  Being gay is super fun.  All the kids are doing it.
              
Anyway Mia, hope this cleared some stuff up!  By the way, I'm coming after you.  Get ready to eat your words about Megan Fox.  Soon, you too will be her mindless zombie of lust.  And by the way, don't even think about trying to turn Adam Lambert.  The gay force is strong with that one.  Oh, and you scuffed my Jimmy Choos.  Your ass is mine!  Or should I say, Anne Heche's??!??! BWAHAHAHHA!  Toodles, bitch!
           
xoxoxox The Gay Fairy xoxoxox

After he wrote this, he put me in the sleeper hold, waited until I passed out, grabbed his bag, and promptly attempted arson. When I came too with the flames all around me, I couldn't help but feel at home. This isn't over.  I will get you for what you did to Neil Patrick Harris.  He would have been aexcellent straight guy.  You just had to ruin it.

Well, I guess I should call the fire department. Later.