Two men were explaining to me the damning label of “nice guy;” once a man is termed as such by a female, he can be confident that he’s not getting into her pants.
Two men were explaining to me the damning label of “nice guy;” once a man is termed as such by a female, he can be confident that he’s not getting into her pants.
I immediately (thanks in part to tequila) began loudly protesting the idea that to be nice is a bad thing. When women are structured as preferring “bad boys” to “nice” ones, I argued, it is a derisive way to question women’s judgment about personal decisions.
In fact, I now believe “nice guy” is a qualifier for a not-so-nice guy. Something is always decidedly “off” about him, but since the woman discussing him couldn’t quite put their finger on what it was, they defaulted to, “He’s nice, but…” and then followed with a generic disclaimer (He’s nice, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. He’s nice, but there’s no chemistry. He’s nice, but something’s missing, etc.).
This is turn allowed the female to hold onto or perpetuate the belief that they too were “nice,” because they weren’t being mean in describing the man as nice. Women are often called upon to justify their lack of attraction to “nice guys” as if it were something wrong with the woman. He may not be especially smart, funny, charming, interesting, or attractive but at least he was…nice?
Self-described “nice” guys are also feeding into this blame by bemoaning the fact that women won’t like them in spite of their being nice to them. Accusing women of lusting after other, meaner men allows them to blame everyone (women, other men) but themselves. These “nice” guys are buying into the notion that, as a heterosexual man in America, they are owed at least one woman simply for existing. Believing that doing x, y, and z should always result in a girlfriend or sex partner isn’t kind, thoughtful, or generous—but it is the driving force behind the “nice” guy mentality.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized the opposite of a “bad boy” is not a “nice guy,” but a good guy. Closely evaluating following discussions between female and male friends alike, I realized “nice guys” lacked a certain something to make them sexually desirable to a woman (or multiple women) whereas a “good guy” is the total package and recognized to be such.
Describing a man as being a “good guy” meant something positive to everyone, but it also allowed for individual tastes and preferences. Lumping “nice guys” together is something they themselves do to a high degree, and it is indeed impossible to separate them on such a cursory level.
I don’t believe women are constantly aware of deeming a guy “nice” instead of exploring the terms of their lack of attraction, and I’m sure sometimes genuinely nice guys are called nice without any hidden meaning or implications. But those guys are actually good guys, so much more than merely “nice.”
Many “nice guys” can be more accurately described as a man who is trying to get into your heart or your bed by pretending to be a friend until you “come around.” Men and women will talk their guy friends up as “nice guys,” relying on the value of the word “nice” to mean something positive instead of counting on the guy’s actual attributes.
Conversely, “nice girls” need far less defending—and are far less defensive. “Nice girls” have everything going for them—except their looks. If they were pretty girls, that’s what they would be touted as. Men have a much more difficult time believing in their own unattractiveness, most likely due to the fact that American society is structured around pushing women as sex objects but denying their sexual agency. Women are allowed to value physical attraction, only so long as they don’t think they’re above anyone in any way.
“Nice guys” put pressure on women to make them agree with them that they are “nice,” but good guys know they are good, have valuable things to offer in any relationship, and don’t need constant reaffirmation that they are, in fact, decent human beings. If you find yourself referring to a guy as nice instead of good, question whether or not he is really nice after all.
“Nice guys” have a tendency to blame others for their lack of romantic prospects, skirt the lines of socially acceptable behavior without concern or respect for anyone else, and sometimes hold their “nice” qualities over the heads of women who fail to see them and appreciate them properly.
In the end, it is a far better thing to be good than to be “nice.”
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erikdolnack
“I now believe ‘nice guy’ is a qualifier for a not-so-nice guy. Something is always decidedly “off” about him, but since the woman discussing him couldn’t quite put their finger on what it was, they defaulted to, ‘He’s nice, but…’”
- As a male, I think this statement (above quote) is pretty spot on.
Young women tend to be more diplomatic than young men. (As the sexes age, this discrepancy becomes less so; with elderly persons just blurting out whatever first comes to their minds). Part of this “diplomacy” is the avoidance of critique. Young people, and young women in particular, tend to view outspoken opinions as in bad taste, or simple just “not cool”. People that outspokenly state their opinions out loud and publicly (as I’m doing right now) are often referred to as “haters”. LOL
Look, female human beings (just like their male counterparts) are animals. They’re driven by the same signals when subconsciously selecting a mate: good looks. Good looks signify healthy genetics which tell the viewer that the other potential partner will produce healthy offspring. Darwin called this “Sexual Selection” and it plays a significant role in human evolution.
In less academic-speak, what this amounts to is this: when a man finds a woman unattractive, he says she’s fat. When a woman finds a man unattractive, she says he’s nice. Even though the fellas are more crass and vulgar in this sense (amongst other ways), there’s more honesty and sincerity in the male approach. Chances are, the unattractive chick is a fattie, but the unattractive guy probably isn’t all that nice (the vast majority of people in our society today being self-serving ego-centic greedy narcissistic a-holes).