Two Day Magazine

How to Avoid Dating the Same Person Over and Over Again

Couple dates.  Couple breaks up.  Time passes.  Couple gets back together. 

Apparently, painful cycles aren’t just for masochistic bikers anymore. 

With enough positives to raise hopes but enough negatives to raise doubts, sometimes that old flame is a trick candle, impervious to the first attempt and extinguishable only with some under-the-faucet finality. 

That’s not a call to shove your ex beneath running water --- besides, the relationships you’d forge in prison would likely be even less “by choice” than the fate-driven dilemma you swear you’re in now. 

Cutting ties is, however, one method by which you can climb out of that rut.  Here are a few others: 

The Truth.  Some say it hurts, while others that it’ll set you free.  The most important part, though, is accepting it.  The truth about any break-up is that it had its reasons.  Not the vague “destiny has a purpose” reasons that we often use to explain events --- after all, we can talk ourselves into overruling those --- but rather the concrete, readily visible reasons that had us using the word “irreconcilable.”  If your differences were strong enough to end the relationship, chances are they’ll still exist on the second go-around.  And the third.  And the fourth. 

The “Field” Goal.  Playing the field doesn’t have to imply promiscuity.  On the contrary, it can be as innocent as a cup of coffee with a new interest.  Too often, the time between a couple’s breakup and its rekindling is spent without a close examination of other options.  Even when another option is examined, one bad date is frequently used as all-encompassing proof that no other person is suitable, and that despite the ex’s shortcomings, he/she is the “least unsatisfactory” relationship choice.  Instead of plodding through your single days or letting a lone mishap derail the effort, make the goal a series of encounters with various co-eds.  Who knows, a wider search just might uncover the treasure you deserve.   

The Clean Break.  “Clean” may be the least-appropriate word to describe the messy shards of that once-pristine relationship, but for plotting a course of recovery, it’s often the most apt.  Constant communication with an ex can be the relationship equivalent of a two-cigarettes-per-day quitting strategy.  More frequently than not, it’s only a matter time before you’re a full-fledged addict again.  The cold-turkey approach to the breakup creates a mindset of moving on --- a mental frame that, once accomplished, can open up a world of possibilities.  Without the frequent phone calls, text messages and personal encounters, moving on might be easier than initially thought. 
 
Whatever your strategy, play to win! Fight the good fight by letting it go. Only then can both of you grow and heal, therefore, becoming better people for the next lucky people that find you.