Sexual abuse survivors often have this stigma that they can’t enjoy consensual sex in future relationships.
It is true that sex can lose its pleasurable allure and also seem emotionally overwhelming after surviving sexual trauma. However, it’s not that the sex is necessarily physically painful; it’s an emotionally scary place to enter into after experiencing sexual abuse.
Many articles have discussed how survivors of sexual abuse can overcome the trauma of his or her body being used in way that degraded that person. Sexual abuse can make sex seem as though it is always a matter of one person getting off, and not a shared, loving experience.
As a survivor myself, I know personally the side effects of such trauma. There was a time in my life where I felt that the only thing I was good for was sex. I also used my sexuality as a way to harness power over men. Sex was fundamentally the most important aspect of any relationship that I entered into. I felt that if someone didn’t want to sleep with me right away, then what value did I hold to that person?
For others who have survived sexual assault, fantasies might come into play that allow that person to climax. These fantasies can include getting gang raped, beaten, or strangled. These violent fantasies might possess small remnants of the assault that took place. Survivors may even question and berate themselves for such fantasies, and they also may feel an inner conflict that plagues many survivors: If I didn’t want the sexual assault to happen, why did my body respond to my abuser’s touch?
All of these thoughts can make sex seem complicated and too intense to deal with. For survivors, how can they learn to overcome any negative feelings attached to sex and move forward with healthy sexual relationships?
My biggest issue with sex came with how I began to use it as a way to manipulate and control the men in my life. I viewed sex as a way for me to take back power that I felt I lost to men who took advantage of me. So, in return, I started to take advantage of other men who may have wanted a meaningful relationship with me. I disregarded them and got what I wanted and needed at the moment. For a brief moment, I had a sense of short-lived control in my life. I hardly enjoyed sex at the time. It wasn’t physically pleasurable or satisfying. Emotionally, though, it gave me a sense of purpose and a sense of myself that I felt had been taken from me at a young age.
I did not want to live my sexual life that way for the rest of my life, though. It wasn’t enjoyable or healthy. None of the sex I had was meaningful, and none of it made me feel good. I knew that in order to change my attitude towards sex, I was going to have address the issues surrounding my views on sex.
Like other sexual abuse survivors, the assaults vary. Some may have experienced violence. Some may have experienced manipulation. Others may have been drugged. However the assault took place, it changes the way someone views sex and relationships for the future.
What often takes place is that sex is seen just as a physical act with no emotional attachment. Survivors need to be cognizant that sex is not just a physical act. Whether or not we enjoy the experience, we will remember if someone made us feel good while making love to us, if they were attentive, how they smelled, what they said or didn’t say during sex. How did they kiss? Was the person sensual or distant? These are all the things attached to the experience of sleeping with someone even if you are not in a relationship that person. While it may not create an emotional bond, there is an experience beyond the physical that deserves attention.
Because of this, it is important to wait until you are ready before having sexual encounters. I wish I would have taken the time to heal from my assaults before entering into sexual relationships. Many parts of me were not ready to share my body with another person when I did. I didn’t know what I really wanted, and I didn’t feel safe sharing that hidden part of myself. I also didn’t take the time to enter into safe relationships that made me feel sexually secure.
It wasn’t until I took the time to pay attention to my views on sex and the way I treated it, that made me realize how I needed to take action. I received intensive counseling and started paying attention more to the people I decided to sleep with. I also learned to pay attention to what my heart was telling me. If it felt uneasy or felt as though it was one-sided, I didn’t follow though. I knew it wouldn’t make me feel good. I knew it was important for me to look at sex differently from this point on and to deal with the demons from my past.
If you have been sexually assaulted, please be aware that there is healing after sexual abuse. One has to take the time to address the issues, though, and be able to have the courage to look within as to why they may treat sex in a certain way.
Here are several great blogs dealing with the issue of sex after sexual abuse:
Blog #1: Salon
Blog #2: Faith Allen
Blog #3: Reclaiming Sexuality
*********************************************
twoday magazine wants to know your thoughts on this powerful topic. Share with us on our Facebook page.
Follow @anyaalvarez on Twitter.
Like Anya's latest article? See what other provocative pieces she has written exclusively for twoday magazine:
Comments
Leave a comment