Two Day Magazine

The Half-Way Break Up

The last serious relationship that I was in lasted five years. Well, it would have lasted four years, but the last year we spent struggling to break up only to get back together a few days later, like a relationship yo-yo. The game never stopped. We knew that things just weren’t working, yet, we couldn’t stay away from each other. So there we were, broken up, but still sleeping together. This created serious complications for both of us. How can you move on when you are holding on to the past so tightly? We weren’t monogamous but we still loved each other. It became utterly confusing.

This was exactly my problem in the relationship. I was constantly looking back, constantly remembering all the time, energy and emotions I had poured into this man and this relationship. I was unaware of how circular my thinking had become, and how unhealthy it was for us both to stay in this “relationship limbo.” I didn’t want to hurt him, but in the process, I was unknowingly making the situation much more painful.

Whenever I would get up the courage to end it, we would launch into this long discussion about our relationship, what we could do to save it, how we could bring it back to where we were when things were great. Every time, we would jump back into bed together, enjoy one another in the moment, but the minute play time was over, all of our problems were waiting for us on the other side of the door.

I tried holding back my frustrations for six months before we broke up. I tried pretending that everything was fine, that my worries and unhappiness weren’t because of him or because of our co-dependency, but because of me. Something that I was doing. So, I tried to fix whatever “issue” I thought was causing my problems. Maybe I was spending too much time with him? So, I would commit to hanging out with friends and family, instead. When that didn’t work, and only caused more issues because I wasn’t around enough, I tried going the opposite direction, spending as much time with him as possible. Well, clearly, that didn’t work either.

It got to the point where I literally felt that everything I did wasn’t working, wasn’t helping us, and was only stressing me to my maximum capacity. The relationship had taken over my life, had taken over my spirit, had swallowed us both whole. While he was fine living in our little world, I was unsatisfied and restless.

Then, one day, we decided to go to dinner, and I exploded with emotions. It was wildly inappropriate. We were at one of our favorite restaurants, had just ordered wine, and there I was, blubbering like an idiot. Now, remember, at this point, I had been “broken up” with him for about six months.

Clearly, had I done what I had needed to do in the first place, I wouldn’t be out to dinner with him, crying over words unsaid. He was my first love, he was the first man that I had felt real attachment to. I never expected to fall out of love, I didn’t know what was happening or how to “get it back.” I had hit my bottom in that restaurant, and the only way to reset my life was to finally let go of him, of the past, of all our dreams and goals, and just let it rest.

Once we got through dinner, I headed back to my new apartment, without him for once, alone and able to think. I realized over the next few days that the problem all along had nothing to do with me doing something wrong. There was no “right” or “wrong” in this situation. He was a loving, caring partner who only wanted me to be happy. My issue was that I was frustrated that someone could love me so completely, and yet I couldn’t give him back those same feelings, that same love and passion, like I had once upon a time.

My relationship with my ex taught me that sometimes there is no one reason a couple breaks up. There is no one reason why you fall apart. Sometimes, you just grow and not in the same direction. I had to let myself understand that it was okay to move forward without him, that it didn’t make me a bad person; by staying in an unhappy and dysfunctional situation would eventually catch up to us both, and that we would become resentful and bitter. I didn’t want to be that girl and I didn’t want him to be that guy. Finally, we were able to amicably part ways. And, this time, it stuck.

Being in a limbo with someone because you are afraid of what lies before you is dangerous. You may never get to stretch your wings and truly fly if you are scared to leave the nest. By letting go of my ex, we both were able to rediscover ourselves and what we needed in the present moment. I needed freedom and he needed a supportive partner. It was okay that we couldn’t give each other what we needed, once we decided to finally let go of one another.

Now, looking back, I realize that I had to go through what I did to get to a place where I understand what it means to put work into a relationship, versus beating a dead horse. Now that I know the difference, and know myself much better, I don’t feel as though I will ever put myself back into a situation known as “relationship limbo.”