There’s a lot of pressure to find the right mate in life.
If you’re like me and nearing 30 — still single and child-less, chances are your mother is nagging you for grandchildren. And you’re probably thinking, “I can’t take care of myself let alone a kid.”
While that thought remains high on the list, so, too, does another — “Will I ever find someone I’m compatible with?”
We’re a very quick moving society. We rarely make the time to get to know someone before sex, love and whatever else happen.
And before we know it, we’re over that relationship just as quickly as it began.
So where are we going wrong?
I’m no relationship expert, though many friends lean on me for relationship advice (scary!), but I have a hunch a lot of the issues we face in relationships centers around the focus of what we’re looking for.
Thanks to things like the Cosmopolitan magazine, “relationship experts” on the “Today” show and a myriad of blogs devoted to love and sex and marriage, we’re told to believe sex appeal trumps everything else in a relationship.
Don’t believe me? Look at this list of headlines I found on Cosmo’s website:
“How to look crazy-hot at the beach.”
“That guy coming out of the water? He wants you. Here’s how we know.”
“OMG tan lines you have to see to believe (We didn't know No. 2 was possible!)”
“Why he wants to tie you up … and 6 more male fantasies decoded.”
My head was spinning reading those headlines that were, in most cases, accompanied by mostly naked, sexy people. These flashy headlines were located near a video player paused on an image of two silhouettes having sex with a graphic asking me to guess that sex position.
I scrolled down some to find, “Hottest sex tips of the year,” “Sex tricks: Wow him every single time” and a myriad of sex and fashion news and views.
In other words, completely trivial stuff.
Better sex won’t make your marriage last longer, and neither will a guide to better kissing, sensual massage techniques or washboard abs.
Yet, so many people spend so much time trying to fix all of those things and more in their life in the hopes to keep the person they’re with or to find whom they think might be their significant other.
While a majority of folks likely are seeking great bodies and sexier ways, they’re forgetting that love, companionship and respect supersedes any trivial item in a relationship. Or it should, at least.
How many of us know someone who has begun a relationship simply because they enjoy the sexy face or toned body? Some of you might be that person.
It’s as though we don’t care about communication, common interests or love — as long as someone has a chiseled chest, we seem good to go.
That is the case for a longtime friend who seems to bounce from relationship to relationship mostly because he grows tired of her looks and sex appeal.
He talks about settling down, getting married and having kids, but each time I’ve seen him, he’s with someone new.
“She wasn’t doing it for me in bed,” he once said of a relationship lasting a little more than a year.
He and his girlfriend at the time seemed like a great couple — always laughing together, spending time together, etc. You’d never assume they barely had anything in common except for a powerful sex drive.
But when the sex dried up, so did their relationship.
And the next relationship, and next relationship and the next.
See where this is going?
I’ve written a lot here about communicating with your lover about your needs, wants and desires.
Sure, sex can be an important part of anybody’s life, but if you’re not communicating outside of your bedroom habits, your relationship likely serves no real purpose.
Better sex isn’t something you read from a magazine. Better sex comes as a reward for working through issues and learning more about your partner.
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