Two Day Magazine

Where Does the Love Go?

Wow, how he wooed you off your feet. His big arms and his smile and his smell that smothered you in the morning; they were the stuff of dreams. It was as if the universe opened up wide and gave you the gift you always desired. Amazing, how she seemed to know every thought that was on your mind, how she finished those sentences of yours, how her curves fit nicely into your hands. The sun was always shining, even when the sky was overcast. Then one day, after 6 months…one year…two years, those butterflies turned to moths and started tearing at your clothes, then your heart. How did that bubble burst? A survey conducted between straights and queers gives us the answers to this catastrophe, in order of the most popular responses:

1.  Moving in together. “When I have to sleep with the dude every night, for some reason, I don't want to fuck him anymore!” (Leading into #2…)

2.  Sexual boredom. “Some couples have so little in common in the first place that, once the sex is gone, there is nothing that keeps them together.”

Though many of these sexperts agreed that with intimacy comes the natural evolution into housemates, they also agreed that this often has an inverse effect on the novelty of what’s happening between the sheets. The solution: new positions, new toys, and new ways of pitching that tent to keep those creative juices flowing.

3. Physical changes - a partner becomes old, wrinkly, unattractive, fat, etc. One of the guys surveyed loved his partner. They had great sex, lived together, and even worked together as paramedics. After intense emergency calls, they would make out in the men’s bathroom of the ER or in the back of the ambulance. But, then, one of these physical changes occurred. The boyfriend tried to cut off his own penis, a “self-induced penectomy,” which he learned about online. The site claimed that “having a stump actually heightens sensitivity” and recommended doing it yourself because most doctors in the United States will not perform such a procedure. Granted, this example is one of the most theatrical, but one can see how this physical change made the yin detached himself from the yang.

4.  Emotional investment and expecting a return. As people invest in a relationship and give up many aspects of their individuality for their partner, but don't get what they expected in return, they become angry. As the anger builds, they feel as though the energy and time spent is being stolen and they begin to resent their partner. This response seemed to be higher in the responses from queer participants.

5.  Lack of self-awareness. “People that aren't aware of their own feelings and can't deal with them or control them may get caught up in the fear of those emerging emotions and run away from them, closing themselves off from their partner.”

One participant said that he was an existentialist philosopher. His girlfriend was a barista studying Spanish who had trouble trusting and had never been in a long-term relationship. Anytime he would try and have a serious, relationship-based conversation, she would “put up her walls and change the subject.” For almost two years they dated, but he could no longer deal with her emotional constrictions and had to sadly burst that bubble.

Regardless of the reasoning behind why intimates become incapables, there are still many of us out there doing our best to make it work. I, for one, have a hot date waiting for me in my bed, as we speak. Don’t worry; if you hear a loud “Pop,” it’s not my bubble breaking.