Two Day Magazine

I shouldn't be allowed to comment on any of this...

For those of you who are unaware; I, your humble contributor, take the top headlines from around the world of celebrity romances and comment on them.

The only catch is, I have no real knowledge of (or interest in) any of it.

This week, Our Nation celebrated another birthday and the judicial system continued to promote the concept that important things should be decided by 12 idiots. And, ATF was revealed to mean “An incompetent Team of Freakin’-morons” (I’m not a great speller).

But, who cares about any of that when the REAL news obviously came out of Hollywood?

Here are this week's super-important headlines:

The Crown Visits The Colonies

This week the Royal Couple (the famous one, not the old boring one) graced the ‘New World’ with their presence. They celebrated Canada Day in the land of hockey and round bacon and stayed there until the 8th before coming down to good old US of A.

I can only wonder why they didn’t come down earlier, we had a holiday this week, too, that they could have celebrated with us... Oh wait.

Although, there is no real resentment left in this country towards the British Crown, I guess I can see why the couple might find it awkward to celebrate ‘Independence Day’ with us, even though many of us in the colonies would love to see the new princess.

AND we promise to be nicer than the anti-monarchist protesters in Quebec, who protested her despite the fact that she has virtually the same amount of authority as one of the girls playing Cinderella down in Orlando.

Though, I have to be fair to the Duchess of Cambridge, I worked at Disney World and she is far better looking than any of the "princesses" I came across.

Still, I'm sure many of us Yanks would have replaced hot dogs and hamburgers with bangers and mash and fish and chips to make them feel more comfortable as we celebrated a little British ass bruising.

So, your majesties, even though the holiday has passed, my offer still stands.

Give me a call and I'll happily buy you a beer (specifically a Sam Adams for the irony) and we can talk about "football".

WWE Star Apologizes For Being A “Douche”

According to TMZ, WWE (the “wrestling” organization...not to be confused with "WE" the TV network that talks to women like they’re morons) “star” CM Punk got caught on camera calling an Australian fan a “homo” (maybe he thought it was Australian for “beer”?) and had to publicly apologize.

The reason that this is interesting is because the WWE has been partnered with GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) in various campaigns to end bullying and intolerance.

Now, I didn’t see the incident, but I can’t imagine what would provoke a man who makes his living shirtless-wrestling other sweaty, shirtless men to call somebody a “homo.”

Intolerance and bigotry aside, there’s that whole “glass house” issue...

Finally, in his twitter apology he said “...I'm embarrassed. I own up to being a total douche in this situation and I offer a sincere apology to anybody I hurt with careless words.”

Am I the only one who finds it somewhat ironic that in an apology for using a derogatory term towards gays, he used a derogatory term based on a feminine product?

I’m not saying it’s right or wrong (as the term doesn’t appear to offend most women),but he probably could have used a less risqué word.

Regardless, most people will probably cut him a break at this point, as society doesn’t appear to hope for great things intellectually from men who established themselves in a career where it was detrimental to wear a shirt.

Hey speaking of...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Secretly Visits Son, Joseph:

Former California governor and star of the hit movie Junior, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has secretly been visiting his son Joseph.

The governor was evidently not content with helping to run the state of “Col-EE-FORN-ya” into the ground.

He also felt the need to destroy his marriage to Kennedy cousin, Maria Shriver, in the process (although technically the child was fathered before he was elected governor, but the sentiment is the same).

According to Radar Online: Schwarzenegger, in an effort to bond with his son, has been secretly visiting the now 13 year-old boy and his mother; the Schwarzeneggers’ former housekeeper, Mildred Baena.

According to the report, Arnold apologized to his son for making him miss the last few weeks of school (apparently that was a requirement for the visit?) and the boy forgave him.

The report did not mention anything about Schwarzenegger apologizing for forcing the boy into hiding due to all the cameras and paparazzi hunting him down like, I don’t know, evil time-traveling robots.

This news comes on the heels of the report that Schwarzenegger and his soon to be ex-wife have reached a settlement in their divorce.

The best part of that story is according to the report, a source close to the governor explained his recent generous settlement by saying said “Arnold realized he is to blame for the collapse of his marriage. Maria was a loving wife and mother, and he doesn’t think that any amount of money can minimize what he has put her through.”

Wow, really?

I guess on some level it’s refreshing to hear he didn’t try to blame the housekeeper and accuse her of stealing his sperm while he power-napped.

(And they say good help is hard to find.)

One thing you can credit him for though is how politically fortunate he was that he was able to hide this child through not only the entire election process in ’03, but also his multiple terms as governor as it would have surely been a career-ender.

I don’t care where you stand on the sexual morality of politicians, a secret lovechild is serious blackmail bait.

Still, given this very public man’s ability to hide this child for 13 years bodes well for him in the event young Joseph does in fact finds himself being hunted by those evil time-traveling robots.

(You know, when they’re no longer after Suri Cruise.)