It’s Friday, and you know what that means!
It’s another day closer to the end of the world! But it also means it’s time for another rousing edition of The Hollywood Outsider. This is twodaymag’s weekly exposé, of the exciting world of pop culture written by an ignorant, grumpy old man (in spirit)!
This week love is in the air, which in the world of pop culture also probably means murder is in the air, too. Also you can’t have love without boobs, and you can’t have boobs without controversy.
There’s a fitting room in the back if you want to try these headlines on!
If The Outsider has learned one thing during his time writing this column, it’s that if there is ever a shortage on drama, one only has to look to the “Real Housewives” franchise to get one’s fix.
Truthfully, The Outsider has only seen about half of an episode of one of the Housewives’ spinoffs, but it’s a safe bet his first impression was accurate. Bravo basically pays these women to amble around all day and act like shit-heads.
Well, Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Brandi Glanville made headlines this week when she admitted to wanting to kill Country Music Star, Leann Rimes.
The targeted singer, who is 29, but doesn’t look a day over 36 (it’s probably all those reverse palates) recently married 38-year-old C-list actor Eddie Cibrian. Cibrain was formally married to Glanville who is 39, but also looks 36.
Cibrian and Glanville were married for 10 years when Cibrian started having an affair with the younger-in-real-life-but-not-younger-looking Rimes while on the set of “Northern Lights”, which was some kind of Lifetime movie that The Outsider’s mother would probably be into.
The incident involving the threat happened recently when Glanville went to a soccer game and spotted Rimes in her old chair holding her children. The image caused Glanville to publicly state that she wanted to kill Rimes.
The Outsider actually feels for Glanville here. Your husband left you for a younger (in reality but not in appearance) woman after you gave him two kids and your entire 30s. Then you show up to your kid’s soccer game and BOOM, there’s the image driving home how completely replaced you are.
Rimes has stated that she has taken the death threats seriously. The Outsider would too, as it was Shakespeare who once said, “Hell hath no fury like a rich, blond pissed off cougar” (or something like that).
Since then, Glanville has calmed down a bit for the sake of her kids stating that while her and Rimes are never going to be friends, she’s happy her kids are good with her... no matter how old she looks.
Once in a while a publication will do something that involves pushing the envelop a bit in an attempt to stay relevant. For example, Newsweek posted a picture of Sarah Palin it stole from Runner’s World, Vogue once used a picture of Gisele Bundchen standing next to LeBron James - looking like the Rape-Hulk. So these types of things are common.
The most recent controversial magazine cover is the one everybody has been talking about this week. “Are You Mom Enough?” cover of TIME Magazine featuring a 26-year-old woman breastfeeding her 3-year-old boy (who doesn’t look a day over 10). The Outsider was on vacation last week so he knows everybody has been anxiously waiting to hear his always on-point analysis.
Well the Outsider’s first reaction was “whatever” and immediately went back to writing his upcoming book, Do As I Say Not As I Do: A Poor Nobody’s Guide To Becoming Wealthy And Famous. But it seemed the story wouldn’t go away, so The Outsider’s going to break the whole thing down for you (you’re welcome).
Breastfeeding itself is not that controversial an act. It’s clearly not unhealthy or our species would have died out a long time ago. Yet there is always some kind of cultural controversy surrounding it. For a while people were deciding whether it should be acceptable to breastfeed in public since it is a natural and harmless act. Well masturbation is a natural and harmless act too, and if you try it in public you’ll probably get a lot of the same looks. Bottom line is The Outsider doesn’t know how repressive it is to have to go someplace private to breastfeed, so he’s going to defer to the societal majority on that one.
The latest controversy that the TIME article was referring to is a style of parenting called attachment parenting. Twodaymag’s own Kristen Houghton mentioned it in her piece about the controversial cover and for the most part The Outsider agrees with her take on the whole thing (good on you, Kristen!). For the uninitiated, attachment parenting is breastfeeding the child until six or seven years old, sleeping with him, and a bunch of other things (Full Disclosure: The Outsider only read about a third of the TIME article because it’s not relevant to him after stupid Judge What’s-Her-Face said he wasn’t allowed to have kids).
If it were scientifically possible to surgically insert the child back in to the womb, chances are there would be an argument for it here, somewhere.
At this point, The Outsider is going to fall back on the old cliche, if you’re old enough to ask for it, you’re too old to get it. But ultimately doesn’t care what you do with your kids so long as they behave when sitting near him on an airplane.
At the end of the day, the TIME cover was a cheap over sexualized ploy at best and degrading to people at worst. Truthfully, the real victim here is that little boy. He’s going to be forever known as a frequent diner at the boobie buffet, and if you think adults in our society are narrow minded and cruel, wait until you get a-load of American kids.
That boy is going to get his ass kicked... hard.
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