All the news unfit to report...
Welcome to another edition of The Hollywood Outsider! The only column on the internet where your humble contributor admittedly picks the low-hanging Hollywood story fruit, but at least tries to make it interesting by picking it with his feet.
This week, the nation once again saw the stock market freak out like a teenage girl, the President hopped on the Darth Vader Express and decided to travel the Midwest for some reason, and a leading Republican presidential candidate espoused his view that science is nice so long as it doesn't interfere with your ideology.
However, none of that matters compared to the real news this week. Let’s get to it!
It looks like The Biebster is back in the news, and once again the story has nothing to do with something he actually did. 11-year-old Carolina Gonzalez won a Facebook contest where the prize was to be Mayor of Forney, TX for a day.
The young mayor decided the best use of her new found, unelected power (the best kind of power according to the Outsider) was to rename Main Street “Justin Bieber Way” for one day only.
Personally, the Outsider sees this as a squandered opportunity. He would have taken much more drastic measures such as:
- Dissolving the Town Council.
- Extending the one day reign of power to a more permanent situation.
- Firing that douche bag sheriff that gave him a ticket in college once for no reason at all.
- Changing the name of the town to The Capital Of Texas, TX.
This is perhaps the Outsider’s favorite story of all time. The clothing/soft porn company Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay Jersey Shore “Star” Mikey “The Situation” Sorrentino to model clothes from any band so long as it’s not theirs.
The press release states the company is afraid that the association with Sorrentino will damage their reputation. That’s right kids, the company that sells padded bikini tops for eight-year-olds actually fears something as simple and common as a drunk moron could damage its image.
On the flip side, this could be the start of a whole new approach to marketing (something the Outsider regretfully has a college degree in).
Instead of paying spokespeople to market your product, pay undesirable spokespeople to market your competitors’ products.
Imagine the possibilities:
Coke could pay Casey Anthony to walk in to court drinking a Pepsi, Barack Obama could pay Fred Phelps to wear a Rick Perry 2012 T-shirt, and Weight Watchers could hire Ralphie May to talk about Jenny Craig.
Most importantly, getting an endorsement deal requires some form of positive notoriety, it would be way easier to get an anti-endorsement deal. You just have to act like a big enough jackass until somebody notices.
We’ll just chock it all up as Abercrombie’s latest contribution to society.
Good news this week for people who like the idea of old men picking up young male prostitutes on Craigslist, bad news for everybody else.
Congressman, Phillip Hinkle, ([R] Indiana) thought that using Craigslist to pick up an 18-year-old man for some good ol’ fashion “companionship” was a good idea. It turns out, like many before him discovered, it was not such a good idea.
To surmise the story; Hinkle, a well known anti-gay conservative, answered an ad on the popular classifieds website for some m4m (men for men) encounter placed by a shirtless, Kameryn Gibson.
The Congressman told Gibson in the response that he couldn’t be a long term sugar daddy, but would like some company for the evening. Also, he likes being naked (an important detail when arranging any kind of meeting; business partners, church fund-raisers, baby-sitters, etc.).
The two arranged a meeting time and negotiated a fee ($80 in case you were wondering, the Outsider doesn’t do any kind of public appearance for less than $1,000 and that’s not for something like this... at all), and once they met in some hotel somewhere, Gibson (wearing nothing but a towel) realize who he was dealing with and decided to bail.
Long story less long; Gibson and his sister have taken the story to the media after Hinkle tried to buy their silence.
Since then, Hinkle has told the media that this whole thing is a “shakedown” which the Outsider believes must be in some congressional handbook of “What To Say When Caught In A Scandal” since everybody seems to use some variation of it.
(Anthony Weiner, for example, had said his Twitter account had been hacked) and it has yet to work for anybody.
On the other side: Gibson, who originally pursued this story with great fervor, has now said that it was a joke. This makes sense to the Outsider as he himself has thought on several occasions, “You know what would be funny, putting a random ad on craigslist in hopes to trap a famously anit-gay congressman into responding, then I’ll meet him at his hotel and wear nothing but a towel for a while. Then, I’ll take the towel off. Then, I’ll leave.”
OR it could be because somebody finally explained to Gibson that prostitution, gay or otherwise, is illegal. And while he was instrumental in ending the career (assuming Hinkle steps down, which all signs point to the fact that he should and will) of a hypocritical, homophobic congressman, he’s probably going to go to jail. Which sucks... Big time.
It seems that these sort of shenanigans among elected officials happen all the time which has to make you wonder, do they always get caught? If so then it would seem completely foolish to even attempt something this stupid and if not then it means there is a very large number of these types of incidents out there that we don’t hear about. It’s scary, either way.
Now, you go think about that while the Outsider tries to figure out clothing company to get an anti-endorsement deal from. He’s thinking Baby-Gap...