Two Day Magazine

How's everybody doing?

Did you have a good week? Well this probably won't help: It's the Hollywood Outsider! Twodaymag's weekly - and very uneducated - look at the world of news and pop culture.

This week the world says goodbye to a Hollywood legend, we follow up on a story from last week, and the Outsider has written a bonus story that has nothing to do with Hollywood (yet) but is a new way to meet that special someone! Plus, Kim Kardashian wants to run for public office. Nuff said.

As Dick Clark used to say, "Happy New Year!"

(the Outsider really doesn't know any other Dick Clark quotes)

Mel Gibson Loses It Hard Core

Remember last week when The Outsider told you about Mel Gibson firing a writer for "The Maccabees," and then that writer published a letter quoting a bunch of terrible things Mel Gibson said, and then Gibson wrote his own letter saying that the first letter was filled with lies? Then the Outsider said, "Hey this is gossip, let's get some evidence before we decide Gibson is a horrible person?"

Remember?

Well Joe Eszterhas, the writer in question, has come through big. Not for writing "The Maccabees," he still very much dropped the ball there, but he came through in the "Evidence Mel Gibson is still an angry douche" category.

Eszterhas has provided a tape of one of Gibson's expletive filled meltdowns, and while it's not the quote about “being happy John Lennon was dead,” it is not a stretch that the person on this tape would easily say things like that.

The best part is the end of the tape when Gibson screams, "Who wants to eat? Who the f**k wants to eat? Go have something to eat. Hurraaayyyyy!"

This could be Gibson's best defense, as the Outsider points out on page 126 of the best selling book he might write someday, So You Got Caught Saying Something Hateful, Now What? The Outsider's Guide For The Wealthy Racist. Check out this excerpt:

    "If you get caught saying something really offensive or stupid, you have two options. The first is to apologize, reach out to the community you offended, and try as hard as you can to overcompensate in the other direction. This is also called the Michael Richards Defense and it has proven time and time again to be ineffective. The continued act of atoning for a sin simply keeps the sin in the forefront of people's minds and thus, it will never be forgotten and you will never be absolved. If a man cheats on his wife and shows how sorry he is by sending her flowers everyday, what do those flowers remind her of? Everyday the mail man brings her a fresh smelling, colorful reminder of their bed of lies. Apologizing is for wimps and a complete waste of time.

    "The second option is to establish that the offending phrase is actually normal for you, and the more people press you to apologize, the worse the things you say get. This is also known as the Bill Maher Defense and it's commonly used by talk show hosts the world over. For example, if a tape of you making a loud, violent outburst makes itself public, then you simply establish that loud, violent outbursts are simply the way you talk.”

When Gibson yells about getting something to eat, this establishes his baseline. It proves that a particular person or group of people do not cause him to erupt in a fiery ball of hate, he's just always like that! If he keeps shouting about everything including babies, hair cuts, and farm animals, eventually people will just chalk up the crazy things he says as normal and he'll be the next Gary Busey or Ted Nugent... Well maybe not Ted Nugent... you can't threaten the President.

Or can you?

(You can't.)

Dick Clark Dies At Age 82

This week marked the passage of a television legend. Dick Clark, host of American Band Stand (for you young kids, it was like TRL but with no Autotune) and New Year’s Rockin' Eve (for you young kids, he was the old guy who wasn't Ryan Seacrest), passed away this week, believed to be from a massive heart attack. Granted, it's difficult to imagine a mild heart attack at age 82. It's difficult to imagine a mild anything at age 82.

Clark was one of the best television hosts ever, he had so many projects going on all the time it was hard to imagine when the guy would ever sleep. He was one of a kind and the Outsider wishes his family and friends the best.

Pheromone Parties: The New Way To Find Your Soul Mate

Take your online matchmaking and shove it! There's a new kid on the block of matchmaking events and this one has a sort of evolutionary concept to it.

It's called a pheromone party and it is designed to match you up with people you find subconsciously attractive. For those of you who never payed attention in science class and said "why pay attention in science class? It's not like I'm ever going to need this someday." Well today's the day you needed it, jackass. Pheromones are a sort of chemical signal that some animals release to attract a mate. Most scientists agree that the concept applies to humans, too. So, this party has you sleep in a T-shirt for three nights, then put it in a sealed plastic bag, and at the party people blindly smell your shirt. Then, you are paired up with the people who found it pleasing.

There are even pheromone colognes on the market. The Outsider has no idea if spraying the shirt with pheromone cologne changes the results at the party, though.

If this sounds like pseudoscience, it's because it very well might be. Ultimately though the Outsider has no problem with these parties even if the science behind turns out to be total bullshit. It's a novel gimmick that gets people talking to one another whom otherwise might not have talked...and who knows what that can lead to (heartbreak probably, or maybe a new stalker!).

Kim Kardashian Wants To Run For Mayor Of Glendale

One more story this week (it'll be quick, scouts honor). Kim Kardashian recently said on a deleted scene of her reality show (if it's deleted, does that mean it's not reality?) that she plans on running for mayor of Glendale, CA.

The only problem is, Glendale doesn't have an elected mayor. The mayor is appointed by the city council.

Here's hoping nobody tells her.

************************************

twoday magazine wants to know: What story made you laugh this week? Facebook us your thoughts.

Like this article? Enjoy these from twodaymag:

     Kimmie on the Prowl: Lock Me Up and Throw Away the Key By Kimmie Kern

     Red, Right and Blue By Kristen Houghton