The Hollywood Outsider: Fruit Basket

It’s Friday, and not just any Friday - it’s the Friday before a long weekend!

Welcome to another edition of The Hollywood Outsider, twodaymag’s weekly look at the world of news and pop culture by a guy who is completely ignorant of all things news and pop culture.

This week we have a tale of two relationships, one talks marriage, the other talks divorce, and both are going to get made fun of! Also an old foe returns.

That sound you hear is the headline alarm, and no people this is not a drill!

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Are Getting Married... Someday... Probably

One of the most famous Hollywood couples of all time* have to be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who have recently became engaged after being together for about eight years (which in many states would actually constitute a common law marriage).

This week at the Cannes Film Festival, Pitt was asked if they had set a date yet for the upcoming nuptials.

Pitt’s response was amazing, "We truly have no date. We actually, really, truly have no date. We're still hoping we figure out marriage equality in the States before that date."

There are two different ways to interpret that response. The first is that the power couple is waiting for equality to be achieved before the date is set.

If that is the intent then it is simultaneously the dumbest and most brilliant thing the Outsider has ever heard. So many men in America right now are kicking themselves wishing they had thought of that!

Marriage equality is a great cause to fight for, but the Outsider had no idea it could be used as an excuse to put things off. He would have figured using it for something like that would be offensive, but that’s just how edgy Brad Pitt is.

Here’s the thought process, when a company or industry is doing something unjust you can boycott them and hurt them where it counts: the bottom line. When African Americans were not allowed to sit in certain sections of city busses in Montgomery, AL the community organized a boycott, and it worked because the bus companies lost a ton of money.

So Brad Pitt is employing the same principle to his marriage. Sounds reasonable right? Only if you don’t think about it too hard.

Brad and Angelina (if only there was some clever nickname that combined both of their first names, perhaps Angelad?) delaying their wedding does nothing for anybody. The only people really affected by this marital delay one way or the other are the people directly involved with it.

It feels like the cause is just being thrown out as a cover, like if The Outsider said he is now refusing to do laundry until marriage equality has been achieved. So yeah, it’s pretty much going to suck to be around him for a while.

Come to think of it, refusing to do laundry is probably more effective than Pitt’s strategy as it actually affects somebody.

The second way to interpret the response is if he said he didn’t know the date and threw out a supporting phrase for marriage equality even though it was completely irrelevant to the question.

In that case, why stop at just marriage equality? He should have said “We’re still hoping we figure out [marriage equality, renewable energy sources, manned mission to Mars, the debt crisis, a cure for male pattern baldness, a vending machine that takes a wrinkled dollar bill] in the States by that date.”

*(Based solely on the fact that the Outsider has heard of them).

John Travolta’s Got A Fever, And Not Of The Saturday Night Variety

John Travolta’s had a tough go of things lately, from various family tragedies to various accusations of sex assault.

Travolta has come under fire after Georgia masseur John Truesdale claimed that the movie star groped him during a private massage. Apparently, Travolta wasn’t informed that it wasn’t that kind of massage.

In a case of legal he-said-she-said, a source close to Truesdale has said that Travolta’s people offered him $125,000 to keep his fat mouth shut (Outsider’s words). Truesdale apparently turned down the offer and dropped his lawyer and the $2 million lawsuit. Why do that? A few reasons.

Apparently, on the dates he said he was groped Travolta supplied photo evidence and flight records that proved he was 3,000 miles away.

Truesdale responded by saying he had the dates mixed up and that the traumatic, life changing event happened on the day Travolta wasn’t on a plane 3,000 miles away. Duh!

That’s actually completely understandable, Truesdale is a guy and guys are terrible with remembering dates (Outsider included). Ask any guy and he’ll tell you he’s forgotten his anniversary, his wife’s birthday, Mother’s day, the time a famous movie star grabbed his penis, etc.

Come on, what’s the guy expected to do? Accurately remember and/or go through the records of the five star hotel and verify the date something happened BEFORE bringing a public $2 million lawsuit against somebody for that exact event? Be realistic, nobody should have to be that through when filing a lawsuit!

That begs the question, where did Truesdale go after dropping the lawsuit and his old lawyer?

... What’s that in the sky? Is it a dragon? Is it the Cthulhu?

No, idiots! It’s GLORIA ALLRED!

Allred, the author of so many comments that have made the Outsider want to run himself over with a KISS tour bus, is officially on the case.

The Outsider tries not to try people in his column, but wherever he see Allred he tends to lean in the other direction, even when Allred might have a pretty good case, which would make him a terrible juror (You hear that government? Stop giving him jury duty, he’s worthless!).

So far, Allred has stated that she needs to review the statements and evidence, and she will be deciding how to proceed soon. Which is a reasonable statement. Unfortunately, the Outsider is going to have to wait a little bit longer for the next nugget of Allred wisdom.

Meanwhile, the case that Travolta at least has an interest in members of the same sex is building quite nicely. More people have come out saying the actor has tried to physically engage them in some way.

And if that wasn’t enough, the National Enquirer (the true paper of record) has published photos of Travolta cross dressing at a party in 1997.

Travolta’s people have stated that the images are photoshopped, the Outsider has seen them and while the photos of Hillary Clinton adopting an alien are probably photoshopped, these look legit and believe him, Travolta is no Talkakova.

The Photoshop defense is a poor one by Travolta’s people. If only they had bothered to read the Outsider’s 23rd book, Skeleton In Your Closet?: How To Move Him Into The Guest Room And Make Him Pay Rent.

Page 113 reads:

“So, someone has found an embarrassing photo of you. Don’t worry, we’ve all done it. One night of fun can easily turn into a lifetime of blackmail bait if you don’t follow these easy steps:

“Step 1: Be prepared. If you can’t avoid doing something sketchy make, sure you’ve covered your angles. If you’re drinking underage, don’t drink out of a clear container. That way, a picture of you with a red solo cup is easy plausible deniability. You carried the cup around to fit in, but there was no alcohol in it... That wasn’t a joint, you simply tried to roll your own cigarette (which is perfectly legal)! You get the idea...

“Step 2: Own it. Make sure that whatever you are doing, you do it confidently. Wearing a dress somewhere? Take your own pictures and publish them yourself. That way you can control the caption, ‘Lost a bet LOL, that’ll teach me to back Buffalo sports teams!’ Context is EVERYTHING!”

It’s a great book, you all should read it.

Happy Memorial Day everybody!

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