It's Friday which means the world is one day closer to the next episode of Breaking Bad (best TV show ever, and that is not open for discussion).
It also means that it is time for another uneducated romp though Hollywood hijinks with the Hollywood Outsider, twodaymag's best and only columnist who refers to himself exclusively in the third person for no real reason.
This week the nation glues its collective self to the TV for the first round of the Platitude Olympics, otherwise known as the Republican and Democratic national conventions. The Republicans are first up with their explosive and controversial theme, "Democrats are dick heads." And the Democrats will follow shortly after with their safer and more conventional theme, "Republicans are dick heads."
The stage will be perfectly set for a showdown between a minority president and a minority challenger (Mormons are a minority, right?*). No matter what happens in November only one thing is for certain, Breaking Bad is the best show on TV.
In Hollywood news, whenever the Outsider feels particularly lazy he just looks up whatever new thing Kim Kardashian is trying to force on everybody and makes fun of it. This week feels like one of those weeks.
Hey, these headlines booked you a hotel with an hourly rate just off the interstate. Best not keep them waiting.
What better to kick this week's stories off than one of true love. This is the sort of traditional love story where a young man meets a young woman at the Trousdale night club on the sunset strip. They grind on each other for a few hours before she goes home with him to have unprotected sex several times, and then they part ways hoping to never see each other again only to be reminded of the encounter a week later by developing a sore throat, a fever, immobilizing pain, extreme vaginal irritation, as well as painful genital lesions.
It's pretty much the plot to every classic Disney movie.
Well, this fairy tale came true for one Kayla Goldberg, who had this alleged herpes inducing encounter with Kris Humphries in August of 2010. This was long before he married Kim Kardashian for a few days, and now Goldberg is suing him for it.
In the lawsuit, Goldberg claims that Humphries knew he had herpes - a type of viral infection with no known cure, but neglected to tell her. The Outsider has no idea why she waited two years to file the lawsuit, or why she would publish her full and real name, but hey getting herpes from a middle of the road NBA player and marginal reality TV personality is more national attention than most people get in their lifetime, right? At least she waited until after the NBA lockout to file the suit. Suing somebody with no money is just plain silly.
If this story turns out to be true it's hard to imagine the full implications. If Kris Humphries has herpes and has given it to everyone he slept with, and if they have effectively given it to everyone they have slept with, one could reasonably suspect that every reality TV star in America most likely has herpes.
This could be really good, though, not only to raise awareness of the conditions surrounding genital herpes, but think of the product placement opportunities for Valtrex.
Score one for the American way. According to TMZ, reality star Kim Kardashian recently ended her "war with Old Navy." The Outsider thinks this is good news because if one is to go to war with a navy, one would stand a better chance against the clothing store than the actual Navy. Have you seen some of the crazy shit the actual Navy can do? They can launch a missile from a boat 1,000 miles offshore and hit you right in your face. That is an incredible display of firepower!
Anyway, Kardashian sued the clothing company for millions because they used an ad where the star looked an awful lot like Kardashian. The reality star said the clothing company was intentionally trying to dupe people into thinking she was associated with the brand. Apparently Old Navy has agreed to pay Kardashian to settle out of court.
The Outsider is not a lawyer (he did marry one for whatever that's worth), but something doesn't smell right here and it's not the Valtrex. You can sue a company for using your specific likeness without permission, but one has to wonder if that applies to people who might look like you, and what is the legal limit for "look-a-likeness?" Can Mark Hammil sue NBC because Bob Costas looks so much like him that they wanted people to think Luke Skywalker was introducing Sunday Night Football?
What about the model in the Old Navy ad that looks like Kardashian? Can she never work again for fear that Kardashian could sue that company?
This whole thing feels greasy, but the Outsider guesses there is a certain amount of greasiness to be expected when dealing with a Kardashian.
Whatever, is Breaking Bad on yet?**
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