It's Friday, everybody, and that means it is time to party!
It also means another edition of The Hollywood Outsider, twodaymag's weekly look at all the news items that the Outsider thought he could make fun of.
Since the Outsider decided to take a group of 12-year-olds to task last week, this week he has decided to return to his pop culture roots, which usually means scanning the front page of TMZ and looking for some low hanging fruit; which in TMZ's case is just about all of it.
On any given day, you cannot get to the bottom of the first page of that site without getting a story about something stupid Lindsay Lohan did. When will that stop being news? Seriously, if news websites were fruit bearing trees - the taller the tree the more significant the news - TMZ would be a bush.
That said, let's see what that merry band of celebrity stalkers has for us this week.
Do you like these headlines? YES ........... NO
Hollywood "director" Michael Bay, who is famous for directing Pearl Harbor - a movie that was almost as horrific as the event it depicted - once dated a porn star named Houston.
Houston, whose real name is Kim, but for some unknown reason decided to use a stage name representing the fattest city in America, dated Michael Bay in the 90s and is now writing a book about her exploits.
The star of "Worlds Biggest Gang Bang 3" (while admittedly not as engaging or believable as the original World's Biggest Gang Bang; however, it was still a far superior film to Pearl Harbor) contacted the action guru and asked if he had a story she could use for her book from their time together.
Well Michael Bay wasn't having any of that... For some reason... And he responded by saying, "To be crystal clear, we were never dating. We hung out and went on one date... It's a shame that you need to create a story of some sort of romance, which is not case."
Michael, buddy, the Outsider doesn't want to be the one to tell you this, but saying you were not dating - you just hung out and went on a date - may be different semantically, yet it is anything but crystal clear.
Bay's reaction seems a little overblown, but hey who really knows what's going on behind the scenes? Maybe he was really into her, and after she saw Pearl Harbor, she told him it was good, so as to not hurt his feelings; and at that point he knew he could never trust her, and his heart was broken forever.
Seriously, Pearl Harbor was only slightly more watchable than those animal cruelty videos PETA sends out.
Water birthing is a practice that began in the early 19th century and involves the mother being in a tub of water while she gives birth.
Proponents of the practice say that it is less traumatic for the child, however most Americans choose to cut part of the child's penis off immediately after he's born so the Outsider's not really sure when everybody started caring about traumatizing an infant.
Kourtney Karsashian, a member of the American Royal Family, originally looked to birthing her child in the water birth fashion. She, like many expecting mothers, heard about the no drugs and the possible less shock to the child and decided to consider it.
And like many people's encounter with alternative medical treatments, once she learned a few things about it she changed her mind.
Kardashian witnessed a water birth and after seeing how messy it was, she has decided to go to the complete opposite end of the spectrum and get her own private hospital suite complete with all the modern drugs.
The Outsider is a firm believer in giving people the freedom to make their own choices. If a woman wants to give birth in a live shark tank* because she believes that will somehow make her child less of a wuss, she should go right ahead. But the Outsider would simply encourage all people to do their research and examine the evidence critically, especially when it involves the life of a child.
*To the Outsider's knowledge shark births are not real things... Yet.
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