Two Day Magazine

Hello again and welcome back to another edition of The Hollywood Outsider.

This is the only gossip column on the internet that actually admits to having no idea as to what it’s talking about.

This week the nation has been gripped by sex scandals. Presidential candidate Herman Cain has been accused by three women of sexual harassment 12 years ago, granted the accusations also said he made no overtly sexual gestures, but... you know... he was probably thinking about harassing them. That’s the same thing, amiright?

Anyway, on to this weeks headlines!

Does The Biebster Have A Baby, Baby, Baby?

“Famous Canadian” Justin Bieber has recently been hit with a paternity suit by 20-year-old Mariah Yeater saying that the Canadian knocked her up backstage at the Staples Center while he was 16, making her now three-month-old child his son.

The Outsider’s not quite sure what to make of this one. Bieber seems like a decent kid and we can all remember what it was like to be hormonal 16-year-old. Imagine what it would have been like if every member of the opposite sex ever was constantly throwing themselves at you. Not an issue the Outsider had to deal with, thankfully.

So if the child is Bieber’s, then he’ll have to step up and do the right thing. It will hurt his image a little bit, but he’s almost at an age now where he can recover. Think of how many kids most professional athletes have.

On the other hand, if this whole thing is fabricated, as one of Bieber’s reps have suggested, then the way the Biebster handles this will be huge.

First, he has to head this thing off. Volunteer to take the paternity test. If the whole thing turns out to be bullshit then he has to go on the offensive and make an example of Yeater, or every crazy 19-year-old from here to Vancouver will be slapping him with more paternity suits.

The Outsider recommends issuing a strongly worded statement like the following:

“I would be happy to comply fully with any and all physical, financial and legal obligations surrounding this case. If I am the father of the child then I will do all that is required of me and more. However, if I am not, I will countersue for defamation as these false accusations have damaged my reputation and my reputation is my livelihood.

“Make no mistake, I will come after you for everything you have. I will drown you in legal fees, and I will destroy you in the media. I will see to it personally that you are left with nothing. My rage will come down on you like the hammer of the gods and no matter where you run, I will stand over you while you work whatever shitty low paying job you manage to get with my hand out, taking my cut. Your child will be forced to lie about his age so he can work in a 3rd world factory just to help pay the rent. The weight of my vengeance will bury you like the stones of Mount Everest.

“Now somebody please point me to the nearest clinic.”

Fear not Biebster, a few statements like those and people will stop pestering you on YouTube to go to prom... or anywhere.

Unfortunately, this story is upsetting no matter which way it ends. Bieber is a role model for a lot of kids and knocking girls up at 16 is not the best example. If it’s all false, then it is really upsetting that you can get attention in this country by damaging somebody else’s reputation so easily.

Either way, this story sets a bad example.

“HumpDash” Calls It Quits

Now the Outsider knows everyone is totally sick of this story, but it’s big news for some reason and (more importantly) it’s low hanging fruit so you’re going to just have to deal with reading about it one more time.

Famous “Famous Person”  Kim Kardashian recently got married to NBA “star” Kris Humphries in what the Outsider was told was the American version of the Royal Wedding, only the American version was not paid for by tax dollars.

Well check those office pools, because if you had bet the “under” on 73 days you might have just won yourself some money.

“HumpDash” decided that being married is not as cool as getting married, and so Kim (the Dash part) filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences.”

Now the obvious question is, “What irreconcilable difference would be discovered in 73 days that wasn’t blatantly obvious in the several months leading up to the wedding?”

The obvious answer is, “Who cares? They’re both morons.”

Humphries has said that he still wants the marriage to work. Of course, Humphries, a guy who committed to a woman - who gained fame by leaking a sex tape she made with  low level rapper Ray J (remember him? Yea, me either) - with an $18 million wedding during the NBA lockout, wants the marriage to work. With the prenup he had to sign, it looks like he’s totally screwed. And not in the low-level-rapper-sex-tape kind of way.

Here’s the other kicker. According to reports, Kardashian is planning on donating the money that was spent on the wedding gifts to charity.

That is just as insulting as keeping them for herself. When someone gives you a gift, they were giving you a gift, not donating to a charity. The Outsider understands the thinking here that old cliche of “the end justifies the means,” but that cliche is bullshit.

These gifts were given to Kardashian in honor of her marriage, to use them for any other purpose is disrespectful to the giver no matter how well meaning. The right move here is not to donate them, but return them to the givers.

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