He’s good-looking, he’s hot, smart, sophisticated, fun and sexy. Oh, and one more thing: He’s gay.
You love your gay male guy but would you risk falling in love with him? It’s an issue that more than one woman has had to deal with in a relationship that is a perfect blending of everything except sex.
During grad school my friend, Brett and I, were in a situation that we liked to call “dateless dating”, meaning that we weren’t a couple but spent the so-called date nights with each other.
We had no significant others and so we did everything together; movies, Broadway, weekend candlelit dinners of pizza and wine. We even went on vacations together, and one time swam naked in the Gulf of Mexico at night.
Everyone assumed we were in love but, truly, romance had no part in our relationship. We loved each other but we could never be in love and we never went beyond the quick greeting or parting kiss and hug.
Brett, you see, was, and is, gay.
Still, despite the no-sex part, we had a great relationship. Walking through the park we’d hold hands, stay for sleep-overs at each other’s places after all night cram sessions, and enjoy each other’s company.
We were so perfect together that when we spent holidays with each other two years in a row, relatives began privately asking me “When’s the big day?”
I knew there wasn’t going to be a big day for Brett and me; we were just great buddies! I loved him, he loved me, but as friends.
Brett was always there for me and that was especially true one year after my life had some major upheavals.
One Friday while we had our usual candlelight pizza and wine dinner, I poured my heart out to him. There were some unpleasant family issues going on, a paper I had been sure was damn-near perfect had been relentlessly red-lined by a professor, and my beautiful ancient car was giving me grief.
Brett took me in his arms and we snuggled on the couch while I cried. He told me that I was just overtired and overwhelmed and that everything would be okay. He kissed my hair and held me close.
His arms were strong, he smelled so good, he was very male, and suddenly I was acutely aware of something; I was sexually attracted to Brett. Being in his arms was very arousing.
I wanted him and I asked myself, why not?
But, even in my over-tired and wine hazed mind two things made me consider what I was about to do and made me not do it.
One was that I didn’t want to embarrass Brett by making a move that would make him have to choose between doing something he didn’t want to do or rejecting me outright.
The second issue was our perfect friendship which I definitely prized and didn’t want to ruin.
Eventually I fell asleep in his arms and woke up to find both of us had spent the night on the pull-out couch. Looking at him sleeping in all his innocence I decided that I had made the right decision. I wanted him in my life and would not risk losing what we had.
As time went on, I had to acknowledge, even if just to myself, that I had a major crush on Brett. If he knew he never let on and I continued to enjoy our relationship the way it was even though I sometimes fantasized about us and found more in his hugs than just friendship.
Eventually I met my love, my so-called cliche-d soul-mate, and married him. To my relief my husband and Brett hit off as friends, both of them die-hard Yankee fans.
Brett met his love, too, and a couple of years ago I was an attendant at their wedding. Before his big day I took Brett out for drinks.
After his fourth Blue Moon, he told me something that was sweet and touched my heart.
"You know something Kristen? If things had been different, you know if we were different, I'd be marrying you tomorrow. That's how much you mean to me. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I nodded. Oh yes, more than you know.
Thank you, Brett.
© 2011 Copyright Kristen Houghton
Kristen Houghton is a Lifestyle writer and the author of the book ranked in the top-selling 100 book of 2011: And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First
*Kristen is in the process of editing her new book on humor in relationships, due soon.*