I’ve been silent about this for far too long, and in these increasingly dark and somber December nights, I must unveil the harsh, unequivocal, dastardly truth.
I have no idea what is going on with Lindsay Lohan.
Who is Lindsay Lohan, exactly? Theoretically she’s an actress, right? I mean, that’s what it says on Wikipedia, and Wikipedia doesn’t lie. Usually.
Then why do I only hear about her from silver fox Anderson Cooper’s taut stern mouth on CNN rather than from the mouth of an undernourished, vaguely orange-colored female on a network that prides itself on systematically glamorizing and then destroying celebrities, like E!?
The answer is this my friends: she has become something that we, as pop-culture consuming society, have not yet created a category for. She is not a mere socialite leaching off her last name like it gives her some type of sparkling, obnoxious fame injected power—like a certain family I so frequently mention—(hint; rhymes with “Smardashians”) because at one point in time she had genuine talent.
Lindsay, at one point in time, however, acted in hit movies, and even put out decently selling, obligatory pop albums that all young up and coming actresses force upon the masses.
She was doing everything right.
But she’s not really an actress anymore, since according to IMdb, her upcoming film is simply called Underground Comedy and she is playing a character named Marilyn; presumably named after Marilyn Monroe, her idol who she happens to dress/pose/be photoshopped in the likeness of for every magazine spread she does.
Hey guys, I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure she made that movie up.
Speaking of photo shoots and unhealthy career moves/life decisions, Miss Lohan is having a spread in Playboy Magazine; because if there’s anything that will jumpstart a dying acting career, it’s vacant eyed posing across a red velvet background whilst showing off your freshly vajazzled bits to the world. You know, to really help you propel you forward onto bigger and better things…
Like the director of Underground Comedy 2: Even Deeper’s basement futon.
Hey guys, it’s not what you think, he just really wants to “get inside her head” to see if she has the appropriate “comedic timing.” They’re just “experimenting” with different “directing strategies.” But the only way she’ll get the part is if she keeps an “open mind,” and if she does, he’ll make sure she’ll “go far.” He can tell she’s got a lot of “acting potential.”
Bad puns aside, what exactly is Miss Lohan? Well, one thing’s for sure, she’s a jailbird. Girlfriend has been in and out of jail more times than Charlie Sheen and Little Wayne...combined.
Now that is saying something.
Honestly, I think her problem is that she’s on the cusp of becoming a lot of things. Most of them aren’t good; which is really sad considering all of the potential she has.
She’s become, or is becoming, exactly what we are allowing her to be. We hold her up as an example of bad behavior, yet we grant her interviews and give her endless attention despite the fact that she hasn’t done anything noteworthy in a long time. She seems like a girl in need of help, and perhaps if we stopped reinforcing her bad behavior with attention
and photo spreads, she would get herself together.
I genuinely wish her well, and I hope that someday, she’ll realize her potential. Instead of another mindless reality show slowly drain the whatever culture we have left, I’d much rather watch her make her comeback on a new sitcom; working, sober, and happy.
twoday magazine wants to know: Was it a smart career move for Lohan to pose in Playboy or career suicide?
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