Two Day Magazine

By: Mia Bencivenga

If you are like me, you detest celebrity gossip websites.  You view them as everything that is wrong with society; they are invasive, catty, and profit off of the alleged misconducts of stars and their loved ones.

That being said, you also check them daily.  For as awful as they are, and as pointless and brainless as they may be, oh, they are fascinating!  Did you know that Kris Humprhies wants the ring he gave to Kim Kardashian back, in addition to forcing her to testify in court about a Ferrari that was given to the both of them as a wedding present?  Drama!  And did you hear about the feud between Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera on the season finale of The Voice?!  Scandal!

I recently came across a story I found very interesting on one of these sites.  This particular story claimed that Taylor Swift has procured herself a breast augmentation, commonly known as a “boob job,” being evidenced by two photos; one presumably before said boob job and one after, with a quote from a plastic surgeon that basically states “those titties got bigger.”

Of course, any woman will tell you that one does not need to get a boob job to make her breasts look bigger.  

The budget conscious female may stuff her bra full of her little sister’s Tweety Bird tissues, while the common place celebrity may have cleavage airbrushed on her every morning by a local graffiti artist.

Somewhere in the middle of these two extremes lies the ever popular, and very practical, “push up” bra.  

First of all, the very title is misleading.  These bras not only push your delicate ta-tas up, but due to their heavy padding, they also manage to push your tickle biddies forward and out, as well.  Thus, they trick the naked eye into seeing all around larger breasts, leading to less actual eye contact with the person attached to them.

Mission accomplished.

It’s very probable that Miss Swift perhaps indulged in one of these bras rather than going under the knife.  Big boobs and no pain?  “Yes please!” says the appearance conscious female!

But when men discover this beauty trick, they become disturbed.  “False advertising!” they cry. “These push-up bras are nothing more than trickery and we shall not stand by idly as women bamboozle us into thinking they have large breasts, when in fact they do not! Why should I put my time and energy into an attempt to seduce a big-breasted woman for the eventual benefit of delighting in said big breasts if she in fact does not in reality have big breasts!?”

When I say that this is extremely shallow logic, they counter cleverly, “How would you like it if I shoved a banana down my pants in order to make you think I had a huge schlong?!  Would that be okay!?”

Well, I suppose if I was a sex hungry female looking for the most promising man to ravish, this would be upsetting.  It would most likely lead to me pouring myself a drink that I would eventually throw on this member-enhancer before casting him onto the streets.

However, I am not this person.  I am much too shy and generally afraid of men to attempt this, but I can empathize with what the fellas are saying here.  This may upset you into thinking that despite my strong feminist standing, that I am claiming that the value of a woman should be based upon her breast size.  This is simply not so.

But here’s the thing, a woman who is enhancing her breast size is doing this for a very specific reason: Men like big boobs. (I am waaaaay over generalizing here, many men prefer the booty to the boobie, and some men may feel overwhelmed/unimpressed when faced with large female chesticles; however, for the sake of the argument, please indulge me.)

By wearing a push up bra, the female is doing her best to make herself into a promising sexual object.  She isn’t enhancing her chest so that you will care about her opinions on the current economic crisis, but rather so that you will buy her a drink and perhaps take her home for an evening of delightful debauchery.

So naturally, when a man is disappointed in finding that your large and in-charge breasts are in fact a clever ruse created by the masterminds at Victoria’s Secret, they become irritated.  Just as you would be if you were stalking the local watering hole for a promising stallion to ride, when in fact you take him home and find out he is but a humble mule.

If you’re wearing a push up bra for any other reason except to incite the gentleman folk’s arduous passion, then I would urge you to reconsider because that is the message most gentleman will likely receive.
And no one likes to be cheated out of something that they think they have worked hard for; including your presumably large breasts/schlong (usually these aren’t being presented simultaneously on the same body, but hey, whatever you’re into!)

Even if “working hard” can be classified as doling out classy pickup lines and the purchasing of apple-tinis (extra on the tini) still, this can be classified as a type of fraud.  So in the end, it’s always best to keep it real.  Plus, that way, no one can bitch and moan or have a reason to pour a drink on you in frustrated angst.  

In the end, my dear sweet fellow female, think twice before shelling out cash to buy that brand new push-up bra.  And consider that a gentleman of superior quality will put precedence of wits over tits.

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twoday magazine wants to know: Hey Fellas, what gets you all hot and bothered? Wits or tits? Share with us on our Facebook page.

Follow Mia on Twitter @miasminirants for more well-placed puns!