My mom started dating again. She and my dad were married for almost 20 years and she discovered that he was cheating, so she left him. But ever since then, she has been acting incredibly clingy and co-dependent with her new boyfriend. He is younger than her and he seems manipulative and controlling. I don’t like the relationship and when I told her, she got really mad at me and told me I didn’t know what it was like to have a marriage fall apart. I suggested she be on her own for a while, but she has never been alone. She literally went from living with her family to marrying my dad. How do I get her to slow down with this relationship and take some time to just be alone?
My daughter just recently came out to me. She is 16 years old and told me that she knew she was “different” since she was about 5 years old. I am totally accepting of this, but I worry that her father (my ex-husband) won’t be as accepting. He is a pastor of a large congregation and I am concerned that he will reject him. She doesn’t want me to “out” her to him until she is out of high school. I don’t feel right about this, though. I don’t like to keep secrets, but I don’t want to appear disloyal to my daughter. What should I do?
--Caught in the Middle
I read a lot of your answers to other people’s questions and I have found that you give very sound and healthy advice. It is my turn to ask for that advice. My Sweetheart is a nurse and is the same age as myself....56 years old.
I met her two years ago when she walked into my store, and she invited me to her church where her and her mother worship. We have been dating even since then and slowly getting closer. There seem to be some issues that are slowing down our closeness and intimacy, however.
She said that she was afraid of moving forward because of the fear of being controlled. Even though she admits that I have never controlled her but instead have always asked her what she would like to do. I adore her and cherish every thought and action from her. I love her heart, spirit and body. I believe that love is when you love someone for who they really are on the inside.
Here are a few of the symptoms that seem to be slowing us down:
1. Her fear of being controlled which is stopping her from giving ALL of her heart (due to a past husband who was controlling).
2. She hates to look into my eyes. She used to always close her eyes way before I would get close enough to kiss her. Now she slightly opens them. I have told her that she has beautiful eyes and I love it when she looks at me.
3. She does not like it if I place my arm around her from the top of her shoulders. Instead, she will quickly grab my arm and take it off of her shoulder and place it down by her side.
4. She does not like to talk about sex.
5. She zones out on me where she will stare out into nothing. When I ask her what she is thinking, she says that she is thinking of nothing.
6. She constantly bites her fingers and curls her hair while she goes into this trance. I always bring her back by asking her questions about something around us.
7. She does not like to be touched sexually, even during a long kiss (15 seconds....used to be 1 second).
After about two weeks of dating when I was over her house, she took my hand and took me to her bedroom and we made love. This went on every day for a week then all of sudden she stopped and would not even consider doing it again. I told her that I was falling in love with her and that not having sex is ok. The first time we had sex at her house when we were alone there was better than the few following times. The following times she would act like a NUN and would just sit on the edge of the bed just waiting for me to do something. She would be sitting there on the bed with just a towel on and would have both hands tucked in between her legs. Once we were in the act of making love, she would fight enjoying it and when I told her that I loved her while we were one she would react negatively and frown and did not want me to say that. When I tried to compliment her on her beautiful body, she would tell me not to talk to her like a slut.
Of course I will continue to show her lots of love and affection but what else can I do to help her heal from some abuse she experienced?
I have also found out that she does not remember her childhood except that her father was a alcoholic and would hire prostitutes. She remembers a male friend of her father's coming over to give her a oyster to eat. But she does not remember her childhood and part of her teenage life. Her father has all of her pictures and has not given them to her. I did see one picture on a video when she was about 12 years old and she was biting her fingers then, also.
Please Please help me help her. I know that I am setting aside my needs for intimacy sexually, but I am trying to build her trust. I want her to give herself to me in love not feel forced to do so. Forced sex means nothing and leaves you empty inside. Help me, Natalie, please.
A Man in Love
This question comes from Dr. Radio on XM Radio Channel 81 where I was lucky enough to be a guest answering calls alongside Dr. Miriam Greene on Monday, May 14, 2012.
My husband and I have been married for over thirty years. But we have had a sex-less relationship for almost the last ten years. We have almost divorced because I caught him cheating several years ago. He claims he is faithful now, though, but says that he isn’t attracted to me, anymore. I’m in my late-forties and wondering if this is it for me. Do you think I should just stay and deal with it? Who is going to want me, anyway?
My girlfriend recently walked in on me masturbating in our bedroom and was really offended. She doesn’t understand why I need to masturbate when we are in a relationship and have sex regularly. She said that she stopped masturbating and wants me to do the same, as well. Now we are in a big fight and I am not sure exactly what the big deal is? Who cares?!
I am getting married in the fall and my best friend, Shawn, is a gay guy. We’ve been friends for almost six years and we are so incredibly close, I can’t imagine having anyone else as my maid of honor. Well, he loved the idea (although we are changing the position to “man of honor”) but my other bridesmaids are really upset and so is my mom. They think it’s “inappropriate” to have a guy stand up with me when I am getting married. I tried to explain that he is my best friend and what does it matter? My fiance thinks it’s a great idea, and his family isn’t bothered by it. What do you think I should do?
Is it really possible to have sex without emotion attached to it? I am newly single and heading back into the dating world but am afraid of getting attached too quickly. What are your thoughts?
--Heart on my Sleeve
My boyfriend loves to watch porn. He likes to watch it during sex, especially, which is fine once in a while, but not every night. It’s almost like I’m not good enough or something on my own. I have confronted him about this, and he promises never to do it again, but then (of course) the minute we start to have sex, the computer or television join us. It’s really annoying. What do I do to get him to give it a rest?
Is our long distance relationship doomed? I have been dating someone for about five years and he recently moved back home to take care of his elderly dad. We are now six hours apart (driving distance) and it is really taking its toll on the relationship. I have a great job where I am at and have no desire to move. He isn’t happy with moving, but I think he feels it is necessary right now. We haven’t seen each other in a month and have been trying to work out a schedule but I don’t think it’s going to work. I love him, but how can we possibly make this work, especially when he isn’t planning on returning home anytime soon.
Is it okay to send a woman a drink at the bar? I know there seem to be new rules suggesting that women no longer want men hanging around them when they go out, but isn’t the whole point of going to a bar to meet other people? My friends think I shouldn’t buy women drinks at the bar, but I’m not sure. Any thoughts?
--Shaken, Not Stirred
My best girlfriend and I have known each other for over ten years. We have been through everything together and are very much like sisters. It just so happens that I am white and she is African American. I recently started dating a guy that I really like and couldn’t wait to introduce him to her. But, when we started drinking at dinner, he slipped and made a very racist comment right in front of her. He tried to apologize and cover it up by saying that he “didn’t mean her” but that only made the situation worse. Now she is mad at me for not breaking up with him on the spot, but I don’t know what I feel. I’m really disgusted by what he said...but is this enough of a reason to end things?
-Caught in the Middle