The Hollywood Outsider tries his hand at a book report...
This week I’m taking a break from the Hollywood Outsider to write about one of my true passions: Fine Literature.
Having not been able to find any fine literature, I decided to read Fifty Shades Of Grey so I could see what everybody was talking about, and by read I mean I read the plot summary on it's Wikipedia page.
The following is a book report of Fifty Shades Of Grey based solely on the Wikipedia plot summary.
(Spoiler Alert: Entire plot discussed in detail... I think)
Fifty Shades of Grey is an enchanting tale about a young woman who finds love at the receiving end of a leather bull whip. The story stars Ana, a 22-year-old college student who writes for her school paper and works part time at a hardware store. Already this is a difficult premise for me to believe, for I have been in many hardware stores and it's pretty rare to find chicks working there - like, informative political ad rare.
Ana's friend Katherine also writes for the paper and has an interview coming up with a young entrepreneur named Christian Grey, who apparently has a lot of money which is something very few young entrepreneurs have because unless you're a super genius, a scam artist or both, your money is most likely tied in your business and you're only one or two bad quarters away from losing everything.
Katherine decides she can't do the interview because she gets a cold, which is a stupid excuse usually reserved for middle aged housewives to get out of going to a get-together at their daughter’s friend’s mom’s house. Katherine tells Ana to go, instead.
Ana somehow screws up the interview and figures she'll not have to see Grey again. But, SURPRISE! Grey shows up at the hardware store where Ana works and buys things like cable ties and rope, you know the kind of things serial killers keep in their sheds. Ana tells Grey that Katherine needs pictures for the article, but does not seem to mention why she would not have got them when they met the first time. This couldn't have been the first interview she's ever done right? How would she have gotten them if Grey hadn’t happened to randomly walk in to hardware store?
It is also never mentioned why this is the first time she has seen Grey at the hardware store, if he buys these sort of bondage materials all the time (spoiler alert: that's what it's for), why have they not crossed paths before since she has to be the only chick that works there?
Anyway, he gives her his number and sometime later they get coffee and he sends her a first edition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which is apparently significant for some reason.
Ana ends up drinking that night and drunk dials Grey like a moron and he decides to go pick her up. The next morning Grey informs her that he would like to have sex with her. This is the author's use of the literary term called, "stating the obvious" as he went out and picked her up after she drunk dialed him... Didn't really need to say it out loud did he?
This is where things get just as uninteresting as they have been up until this point. Grey says that before anything can happen between them Ana needs to fill out some paperwork. I know, I can't figure out why he's single either.
Later they go on a date where he flies her around on his helicopter, because of course he has a helicopter, why the hell not? Before things get physical he makes Ana sign a non disclosure agreement about anything she sees in his apartment. What the fuck? What could you possibly threaten her with in a non disclosure agreement? She's right out of college she doesn't have any money and if you took her to court than she would only make the thing you are trying to hide super public.
Just when things couldn't get any dumber, Grey then tells Ana that she has to sign another contract that states the relationship will be a purely sexual one and not romantic at all, she can't even make eye contact, etc. It pretty much states that she has to be a human sex toy. I guess it's like a sexual pre-nup, which I don't think is a real thing because it's only something a moron or a serial killer would do.
At some point in this intellectually stimulating conversation, Grey finds out that Ana is a virgin which finally explains the whole working in a hardware store thing. This somehow causes Grey to have sex with her without the contract. Huh?
The next morning the two have sex again and Grey's mother walks in right after they finish. I have no idea if he lives with his mother or if his mother has keys to his apartment. If his mother has keys to his apartment and if she just has a habit of barging in at random times and wandering around, never assuming that someone who grew a business from scratch successful enough to own a helicopter in a short amount of time wouldn't have really important things to do like - I don't know - run that business, and not hang around the house waiting to randomly hear from his mother. Whatever.
The important point of this event is that his mother is surprised to find him with a woman (again, not surprised to find him not doing any fucking work), as she always assumed he was a homosexual since she had never seen him with a woman. This is where the author uses context to make the characters more believable as Grey later reveals he lost his virginity at the age of 15 to one of his Mother's friends. Grey's mother's inability to figure out that Grey was not only straight, but banging one of her friends shows where Grey get's his stupidity, it's most likely genetic.
That's called dramatic irony!*
At this point, the summary gets very light on details, but the bulk of the story appears to revolve around a conflict between Grey and Ana fighting over whether or not Ana should sign that contract which would again, allow Grey to tie her up and beat her with what I assume is some sort of rubber hose he bought at the hardware store.
The story ends when Ana decides to see how severe Grey would punish her under this contract (a little try before you buy if you know what I mean) and he beats her with a belt. This, of all things, causes Ana to decide they are incompatible (perhaps she prefers to be beat with PVC pipe? Jesus, there’s just no pleasing some people) and the story ends when she simply breaks up with Grey and moves back in with her friend.
What a stunning climax (pun intended).
As evident by this review, I did not read the actual book, but I can say with reasonable confidence that this book is probably terrible.
*That's not what that's called.
twoday magazine wants to know what other fine pieces of literature John Dupra should review. Please share with us your thoughts on our Facebook page...or be prepared to be beaten with a leather bull whip. We are romantics over here, after all!
Follow @twodaymag on Twitter to keep up with our crazy writers!
Like this article? Check out other articles about Fifty Shades of Grey for twoday magazine here: