George Clooney, an attractive gentleman in his early fifties who has tried his hand at marriage and has since refused to settle down.
He goes from super mega hot girlfriend to super mega hot girlfriend, utterly blissful, content, and at peace with his life. He is celebrated by all. Men say he’s got everything figured out, while women are desperate to be his latest fifteen minute fling.
Jennifer Aniston, an attractive woman in her forties who has also tried her hand at marriage but nonetheless has yet to settle down.
She goes from attractive gentleman to attractive gentleman, seemingly happy, content, and at peace with her life. Everyone feels terrible for her. Men say that she definitely has to be crazy because no one wants to stay with her, and women just think she needs to find a nice guy and have a baby to be truly happy.
Similar life paths, two different genders, two totally different interpretations of what each gender needs in terms of love and fulfillment.
Oh popular culture, how I loath you so. You give us all impossible standards to live up to, relish when we fail, and then encourage us to pick up the pieces, just so you can snatch them greedily out of our hands like a bratty toddler.
And now that she is engaged, a national celebration has taken place. Women everywhere feel a strange sense of relief. For, if a beautiful actress can get married at such an old age, well then, so can I! Quickly, I must burn my mom jeans, chocolates, and romance novels, for I too have hope to someday be wed--even at the ripe old age of 42!!!
Why, President Obama is going to declare her wedding day a national holiday, so that everyone may watch as the unlovable spinster finally found someone noble enough to take one for the team by marrying a talented attractive blonde.
If George Clooney were to become engaged, the opposite would happen--Obama would declare a national day of mourning. Women everywhere would feel a terrible blow to their spirits.
The hysteria would cripple our economy! The blow alone to the Victoria’s Secret stock would single-handedly bring us into another recession of our cup sizes! A push-up bra that makes an 32A only look like 34 B?! What am I, a nun?
When will people come to terms with the fact that a woman in her forties who is unmarried could possibly be that way because she wants to, rather than the fact that no one wants her? Or, that perhaps, simple life circumstances, like a burgeoning career and a jet setting life style would make it difficult to keep and maintain a healthy relationship--and that this fact doesn’t make her miserable and lonely, but possibly fulfilled and happy.
Whereas men seemingly have the capacity to stay single and happy, a woman, at least according to our misconceptions, does not have that luxury.
For she must have a man in her life! After all, who will take out Jennifer Anniston’s trash, aside from her housekeeper? Who will fix her flat tire, aside from AAA? Who will tell her that she’s beautiful, aside from her own self-confidence/fabulous gender defying hair stylist? Who will fulfill her mentally and spiritually, aside from her family, friends, and career choices?!
Only a man can do all of these things, and if she doesn’t have that, well, she might as well adopt half a dozen cats and start a Jane Austen book club--the only respectable option for women in her “condition.”
Now that she is engaged, people are going to read into it in a million ways. Hardcore scary post modern feminists will say she’s given into societal pressures. Douche bag reporters on “Good Morning America” will announce her engagement to the tune of Etta James’ famous song “At Last” whilst chortling about how they thought it was never going to happen, because, you know, a woman in her forties finding a loving handsome mate? Forgetta about it. And of course, other people will speculate that it won’t last because, like I said before, any woman who isn’t married by a certain age is totally crazy, you know, because she hasn’t met anyone who wanted to put a ring on it.
As for the guy that did want to put a ring on it--he didn’t really want to, she made him do it, using her evil lady witch powers. Because if there’s anything women are good at, it’s making men who refuse to settle down settle down, just watch Sex in the City, seasons 1-Infinity.
God help the poor girl if the marriage doesn’t last. Because we all know what she’ll be known as for the rest of her professional career--the poor lonely girl who was unlucky in love. Not one of the most bankable movie stars in history, but as the girl Brad Pitt jumped for the totally hotter/horrible home wrecking Angelina Jolie who isn’t that attractive if you really look at her, depending on who you really ask.
On that note, I truly hope that we all start to rethink the way we see women, men, and love. Not as separate genders, but as individuals. Let George Clooney womanize without shaking your fist.
Let Jennifer Anniston love whomever she chooses for however she likes without inciting your rage and or pity.
Each of us has our own path to happiness, and we should either learn to respect that, or kindly keep your opinions to yourself. Except for you broads, because we all know, you couldn’t keep your mouths shut, even if you tried.
twoday magazine wants to know: Is there a double standard when it comes to marriage? Share with us on our Facebook page.
Follow Mia on Twitter @miasminirants.
Like Mia’s column? Check out some of her other work on twoday magazine: