I recently found out that in Scott’s mind, I am his girlfriend.
In my mind, we are kinda sorta dating. In reality, I’m a girl who is his friend. That’s three, very different, big girl panties to be wearing all at once. When I think of girlfriend, I think of pretty bikini cut with ruffles, for dating definitely sexy lace and as a friend, sporty boy shorts. For purposes of writing this article, I physically put them all on at once and what a mess! Not even a hot mess, just a mess.
Dating is messy, at least for me. Never has any relationship, casual or otherwise, been normal. None of the storybook crap. No chance meeting, slow steady progression and happy ending. Well maybe a different kind of happy ending. I always seem to end up in these messy situations, the messier the better! Now I find myself as someone’s girlfriend who I am dating but really we are “just friends.” You follow?
As much as I don’t pay attention to our age difference, I realize what a role it does play. On one hand, if he were younger we might be more serious. On the other hand, if he were younger he probably wouldn’t treat me this great. He absolutely adores me and I have never dated anyone who does. Let me tell you, it’s awesome. He also knows I am still out there and doesn’t care. He simply doesn’t want to know about my dating life.
Sounds like a dream right?
It really isn’t. I feel guilty sometimes and then admonish myself for feeling that way. Sometimes I think about when I was younger and dated some guy who I knew wasn’t committed to me, but I pretended he was anyway. Or I thought if I stuck around, he would come around. There is no deceit involved and Scott is free to do and feel as he wants. That said, it can (and does!) get weird at times.
Today I went to a singles meet up after a local church service; with Scott. He has never been to church and has been asking me for months to go with him. I’m spiritual though not very religious and decided to give this church a try.
During the way, way, way too long sermon I found my mind wandering to an article I had read this morning on open marriages. The article focused on how many people cheat on their partners and was in favor of open marriages. I was contemplating if that would ever work for me when I remembered I was in church. I tried desperately to focus on the message as my eyes bounced around past the lesbian haircuts and Hawaiian shirted Q-tips. (For those of you who don’t live in Florida, Q-tips are old people. They look like Q-tips because when they come to Florida and drive around in their big old cars, all you see are their white heads above the seats.)
As I was pointing them out to Scott he said, “See? This is why we get along so great. You’re just as distracted as I am!”
Not surprisingly, we left after the sermon and headed to the meet up. Scott was being a little funky, and he thought I was being a little funky so it was funk filled ride to say the least. Once we were there he informed me he was going to sit in the car! Mildly annoyed, I went on in without him. The restaurant was fairly crowed but I spotted the long row of tables immediately. The group was hodgepodge at best with no one even mildly interesting to me. I had to laugh as I thought that I should have just stayed in the car, too.
I was a bit disappointed when Scott dropped me off after and headed home, himself. Apparently he had had enough of me for the day. I have been practicing daily, hourly, constantly to stay in the present and to be present. No analyzing Scott, wondering if he was mad or going to call me. No worrying about yet another disappointing meet up or anxiety over when I might meet one of The Ones. I thought briefly about open relationships before I brushed all of it off, put on a pair of big girl boxers and started to write.
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