Two Day Magazine

Oh lord.

Now, I have a penchant for the dramatic and the ridiculous, mostly because they make for easy subjects to make bad puns about. For instance:

Did you hear about the woman in Iowa who married an ear of corn? Turns out he’s a great listener.  A-zing!  

Did you hear about the girl whose family abandoned her after she refused to marry a guy because she thought he looked like a frog?  They were upset because she wouldn’t do what she was toad. Bam!

Did you hear about the couple that got it on while wrapping Christmas presents?  They inadvertently made a sex tape. Pow! Right in the kisser.

I’ll spare you the rest on account that there’s a large chance that your eyes/brains are bleeding profusely due to the ridiculously unskillful way in which I approach word play.  Also, this story is so ridiculous, so absurd, so mind numbingly cray-cray that even I can’t make a terrible pun out of it.  That’s how upset I am.

Okay, so a basic run down of what went down.  This apparently very affluent Chinese man, Cecil Chao Sze-tsung, has a daughter who is a lesbian.  This daughter of his, named Gigi, recently eloped to France and got married to her longtime partner.  

And the father is in stage 5 denial.  Unlike most disapproving parents who simply ignore the aspect of you that they don’t like, refusing to talk about it at dinner, breezing over the subject when grocery shopping by remarking about how the Stephenson’s sixteen-year-old daughter is pregnant, this guy is going to extreme measures by “correcting” the problem.

How is he doing this?  Oh, you know, he’s only offering up his daughter for the American equivalent of a measly $63 MILLION dollars to whatever man will marry her.

Yup. Nothing like pimping your daughter out to really instill those good, ol’ fashion values.

So not only is he in complete denial that his daughter already married, but he is also essentially selling his daughter off, just so he doesn’t have to accept that she is, in fact, a lesbian.  And a  married one at that.  This brings us to a topic that I have been ruminating on for quite some time…

Why is it men think that lesbian women can so easily be “converted” into straight women as if there’s just a switch and their heads that is easily flicked on by the “right” man?

If someone identifies as gay, especially in a culture that is not very accepting of homosexuality, why on earth would they do this if they weren’t certain?

If there was ever an inkling that she was straight in entire her life, at least, if I was in her shoes, I would have pursued that to the ends of the earth.  If there was a class in “teaching your brain to be sexually attracted to men 101” I would have been taking notes and printing out some power point slides  Anything so that my father would not have to offer up a reward to whoever can de-lesbianify me!

In my opinion, in regards to the dad, this most likely has to do with his ego more than his concern for his daughter.  Here’s a man who apparently cannot stand the fact that his daughter is a lesbian so much so that he’s willing to give away a fortune just so he doesn’t have to deal with who she really is.  But in reality, he’s publicized her homosexuality much more than if he had merely let her be quietly be married/happy with the woman she loves.

But let’s not forget children!  Life isn’t about being happy, it’s about obeying arbitrary social norms that ancient douchebags have created so that some incredibly finicky deity doesn’t smote us with his incredibly bitchy righteousness.

My question is, what happens if some guy (or I should say, legions of guys, considering even I am considering dressing in drag in order to get this $63 mil) actually takes him up on his offer? 

What is she supposed to do?  Is there some sort of contract tied into all of this?  If they get married, do they have to have kids?  Do they have to have heterosexual intercourse at least three times a year?   And finally, can they divorce?  You know, since it probably won’t work out considering she’s already married to a woman!?

I just feel terrible for this woman.  Now not only does the entire world know that you’re a lesbian, but they also know that you most likely have some serious daddy issues.

This just shows us how homophobia is caused primarily by a total lack of understanding.  It’s clear that the father takes neither her marriage nor her sexual orientation seriously enough to acknowledge, yet he takes it seriously enough to make it want to go away by any means necessary.

I’m not sure what the moral of this story is but if there’s one thing I could say to this girl, it would be this:

Get your lesbian wife to dress up like a dude, take the money, and make a run for France.  They’ve got croissants, relative tolerance, and all the red wine you will ever need when your parents come to town.

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For more of Mia’s puns, follow her on Twitter @miasminirants.

Like Mia’s latest creation for twoday magazine? Check out other fantastic pieces she has written exclusively for us:

     Princess...For LIFE?

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