The final countdown is upon us.
In a little less than a week, we will know who will be running our country for the next four years. Will it be the rich Mormon guy who fills binders with women, or the hip young thang that came in promising the moon, and instead gave us a space rock that he bought at a friend’s yard sale?
With such fantastic choices, it’s a wonder that so many people choose not to vote!
But, let’s say you do vote despite the growing urge to hide under your covers and wait until the next President is elected just to make the voices, oh the voices, stop before they overcome your soul…What happens if your guy doesn’t win?
Think about it. You’ve just been through what feels like an eternity of electoral processes, casting your vote despite the ever growing pile of political tomfoolery to try to either get you to vote/take away your ability to vote, and now, after all of that, the guy that you voted for hasn’t won!?
I mean, you didn’t even like the guy you voted for! You just voted so that the other guy, who seemed significantly more douch-ey, doesn’t become President of the United Freaking States, and ruin your life, and take away your house, and gay marry you, and do all of that other scary stuff that the attack ads say that he would!
Let’s be clear, chances are that if you vote in the elections out of anything, it is out of two things:
a.) Duty to your country so that it isn’t run by a complete asshole. (Partial assholes accepted out of lack of any other options. Seriously.)
The election process even takes a physical toll! My forehead is permanently bruised from the number of times I’ve banged it on my desk in frustration, and my fingers, so brittle from typing angst ridden blogs, no longer bend at the joints.
So, what are we to do if the election does not turn out in our favor? What are our options? How can we deal with something so terrible?!
Well, we’ve all heard the old saying “If so and so wins, I’m moving to Canada.” But that’s just so cliché, so unoriginal, so droll—that I’m proposing a few alternatives, in case the election really does take a turn for the terrible, which, for about half of the country, it will.
Option 1: Secede whatever land you own from the United States, and declare your own country where you are your own master.
For instance, in my country, aptly title “Mia Land” any gentleman that I allow onto the premises must be checked for possession of the correct number of abs, and the correct amount of kindness, respectfulness, and love for musical theatre. If not, he shall be cast out and not have the pleasure of watching Andrew Lloyd Weber’s Phantom of the Opera: 25th Anniversary
Addition five times a day whilst assuring me that I’m “totally just as pretty as the girl that plays Christine...”
If you don’t own any land, however, simply run into the forest, and create your own society deep within the woods. Someday, your own little commune will be so populous that it will eventually absorb the United States, and then your descendants will rule one of the largest countries in the world. There, I’ve just shown you the way to world domination. You’re welcome.
Option 2: Fall into a deep depression.
Okay, so this might not sound that attractive, but hear me out. If enough people stop functioning due to the election, somebody is going to have to do something about it. Congress will take notice that the American people are only interested in lying in bed and watching Hoarders. This will make Congress realize that this could lead to the downfall of society, and quickly remedy the situation by vetoing the President and make Tina Fey president—the one person in America everyone can get behind. I mean c’mon, Mean Girls and 30 Rock are the classics of our age!
Who better to run our country than a talented female who is skilled at making absurdist social commentaries? That’s right. No one. Also, she’s one brave lady. Have you seen that episode of 30 Rock when she grows out her moustache? Groundbreaking.
Option 3: Move Canadians HERE.
That’s right, you heard me. We’re going in reverse of the clichés. We’re going to bring the Canadian people into the United States, by luring them into crates filled with maple syrup and other stereotypically Canadian things like hockey sticks and universal healthcare. Why? Look at Canada, and look at us. Canada is up north, chilling, having a good old time, being all philosophical like that big man on campus, and is looking at us like we’re the weirdest “hosers” they’ve ever seen, eh. So, bring some of their people down here, give them America, and then tell them to fix it.
At this point, we need an outside opinion, and who better to settle disputes in Congress than genetically mutated hockey players that are not only okay with getting hit the face with a puck, but also know about team work, and beating the crap out of someone who just won’t play by the rules. At this point, I think we can all agree that some members of our government could use a solid ass-whoopin.
Option 4: Go into a state of denial.
Pretend that you live in a country where your guy got elected. Or better yet, pretend your dream candidate got elected—someone who doesn’t want the power, and takes it on as a burden and a responsibility rather than a weapon to use against their opponents. And she’s fabulous. And she is a fairy. And rides a unicorn to the White House. And no one cares because in my America, as long as she’s a good President, looks, unicorn preferences, and race, be it elf or hobbit, count for naught. There are no political games! It is a magical land filled with peace, prosperity, and numerous references to Lord of the Rings!
As the Great Tina Fey has famously said, “I want to go to there.”
Option 5: Become enraged.
Go crazy. Now, I’m not talking violent crazy, rather, I’m talking syndicated talk show crazy. I’m talking, “I got canceled from my syndicated talk show on Fox News crazy
because even they weren’t buying my incredible level of ridiculousness crazy.” I’m talking Glenn Beck crazy. I want you to start your own YouTube series, in which you do nothing but foam at the mouth at the camera, hissing and clawing your ways into weak minded individuals, so as to brainwash them with your own special potion of bitterness.
Blame the loss of your candidate on a conspiracy created by the Muslim Brotherhood to instate a president who will ban Christmas, and send all of our jobs to China. Then take it back. And then say it again, but add the fact that the conspiracy also involves the new President getting gay married to the Dalai Lama and then forcing the country to convert to Atheism, even though the Muslim Brotherhood got him instated and the Dalai Lama himself is Buddhist. Trust me, it doesn’t need to make sense. Just follow your hate-driven whims, and really, when does that ever lead human beings astray?
So there you have it friends, full proof ways to avoid the torment of your candidate losing. I hope one of these methods will prove helpful in your darkest of political hours.
And if all else fails, take comfort in one thing; when it comes to political disappointment, you are certainly not alone.
twoday magazine wants to know: How do you plan on celebrating (or weeping profusely) after the election is over? Facebook us your plans!
Wouldn’t Mia make a great President? Tell her so on Twitter @miasminirants!
Like this article? Check out other great pieces Mia has written for twoday magazine:
The View From Inside the Binder
Memoirs of a First Time Voter