Two Day Magazine

During the most recent presidential debates, a dark secret was slipped out of Romney’s mouth.

He confessed to two different things that I feel as though I should illuminate.  

• He possesses magical binders that are each filled with qualified, intelligent women.  Women that Romney deeply desired to bolster his own political power. So magical are these binders, that the great Romney sent entire teams of women to go and gather their brethren and place them into inanimate objects so that Romney would be able to peruse and see just which ones he wanted. So desperate was he to find qualified women in order to enable him on his noble political quest, and so difficult was this task, that we can only come to another conclusion…

• Romney is an all-powerful warlock who has the ability to transform living beings into binders so as to gain mighty political significance and the visage of supposed gender equality that he will support under his administration.  

Romney would do anything to keep these women within his binders and his offices.  Even give them a flexible work day.  Because you know, they’re ladies.  And ladies have “special needs.”  For instance, do you know that even though both she and her husband both share child rearing responsibilities, since she is the woman, she still has to do all of that?  

He knows this because he knows the way the proper American family is to function, even if he has to acquiesce that these days it’s near impossible for most women to not work. 

But working doesn’t mean that the men folk in his office that are dads have the same responsibilities as their wives. This is only 2012, after all.  Let’s not get too crazy.

What I’m saying is simple.  Romney knows women and their idiosyncrasies—no one is more in touch with his binders than he is, believe you me.

But how do I know all of this?  The answer may surprise you.

I am one of the women inside the binder.  In fact, I think that’s all that we can hope to be under the Romney administration.

Me and all of the other women are imprisoned within these plastic ringed walls, are being deceived into thinking that we’re special and valued when really we’re being pandered to and demeaned.  And it is because of this that I am going to give you my personal perspective of how Romney truly sees us women.

Women are to Romney as I am to a binder.  I am a page to make the binder look bigger.  To make it seem as though there are a lot of me.  To make him look as though he really combs through these pages, reading each individual one, looking at us as though we are equals.  Studying us in order to help us.

But the mere idea of that is impossible.  

In reality, he is the one that holds the power to make a page into a person.  To make us into his equals.  He summons us if we are deemed good enough for the task that he has set aside from us.  No, it’s not the same task a man; because you don’t need to conjure a binder for qualified men, because they’re all around us.

For a woman, though, you have to be sought out.  Because there are so few of us, really.  

Yet somehow, enough of us to fill binders.

And if we are not wanted, then we’re doomed to live in one of those binders, simply because we’re women and we don’t have the same generic appeal that a man has.  We’ll be gathered to make him look better, but in reality, we’re just a back drop.  Something to make him appear as though he gives a damn when he, and his young protégé Paul Ryan could really give less than two shits about women and their struggles.

But it is the way the world has been working as of late.

After all, what is any special interest group or minority to the world except for a page in a binder?  We are all but list of facts about a person that are to be studied, and if you’re lucky, be deemed to be elevated from the role of a list of facts, to a semi-person who performs designated tasks to make the majority look as though it actually cares.

We’re just people to be pandered to. But not people to have actual respect or concern for.  

Under the Romney-Ryan ticket, in addition to being backed up by the Republican platform, I have come to learn several things about myself that I never knew.

First and foremost, my body is a liability that I don’t control.  If I get raped, and of course, this rape isn’t as “forcible” or as “legitimate” as the party thinks it should be, then that’s just too bad.  Hell, even if it both of those things, depending on what the Supreme Court looks like in a few years, that’s just too bad!  Time to break out the crib, mark your due date on the calendar and say goodbye to your life, because somebody is going to give birth whether they like it or not.  

But just don’t expect any government support after you give birth to that baby, unwed and unwilling single mother.  It’s called “personal responsibility.”  Don’t forget, what happened to you is entirely your own fault.

Also, as shown from the binder comment, my brains and abilities are exceptions to the rules or the way in which the world is supposed to work.  That is how you can fill binders full of people like me, because in the end we’re not really people.  We’re to be pandered to and controlled and collected.

That’s what it will mean to be a woman under the Romney-Ryan ticket, in my eyes.  Now, he may argue differently, but I look at his and the Republican Party’s ideals.  Sure, he may say that he won’t outlaw abortion, but so far, Romney has acquiesced to everything his own party has been telling him to do, so what makes me believe him?  I’m not stupid.  I know that politicians say one thing on the campaign trail and entirely another in office.

And say something bad happens to Romney, I sure as hell know that Paul Ryan isn’t going to be looking after my rights. Chances are, he’ll be the one giving me the damn trans-vaginal ultrasound and then force me to do the P90x workout because he read that it’ll make the baby strong.

And I’m sure he’s right, because if there’s a party that always gets the scientific facts right, it’s the Republicans!  So let’s all intelligently design a way to legitimize rape ya’ll, otherwise we’re going to be having babies at a rate so incredible you’d think it’s a undeniable statistic like say, the polar ice caps melting or global temperature rising.

Sorry about that last part guys, I’ve been watching the lame-stream media way too much lately.

So in the end, I suppose what being a binder has taught me is how very significantly insignificant I am.  I am important enough to be wooed, but not important enough to be seen as an actual human being.   

I just think it’s a shame that I can’t even consider a Republican candidate or their policies because they’re so clouded within this incredible fog of their own bullshit that they can’t see that they’re social policies are so outdated and backwards that a significant number of Americans are just repulsed.

What happened to moderates?  What happened to the notion of small government?  Not the government that wants to make half of America a second class citizen and the gay part of America as repressed and depressed as possible!  Where’s that notion of the government not getting involved in every aspect of your life, from your sexuality to your sexual organs?  

Because I would love to get out of these binders and get behind that.

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Follow @miasminirants to find out who else she thinks may be a magical warlock.

Like this article? Check out some other great articles Mia has written exclusively for twoday magazine:

     When in Doubt, Be Single

     Memoirs of a First-Time Voter