Two Day Magazine

It’s Friday, and there’s a pretty good chance your weekend is not going to go at all according to plan (somebody had to be honest with you).

It’s also time for another edition of The Hollywood Outsider, twodaymag’s weekly look at the world of news and pop culture by our resident ignoramus.

This week, the spirit of competition is in the air which brings a smack talk clinic by your humble contributor. In other news, some people in Hollywood give in to their egos, imagine that.

This drink is courtesy of those headlines over there.

Olympic Airing Of Grievances (Followed By The Feats Of Strength)

The Olympics are right around the corner which means it’s time for all the civilized nations of the world to come together and air our grievances with each other.

The Olympics are like a giant family reunion. Sure we're all humans and deep down we all love each other, but there's a reason we can only do this once every few years.

First up, our lovely hosts: The British. When a city hosts a large event like the Olympics or Charlie Sheen’s birthday party, it tends to put a pretty significant strain on the local population. This population usually claims to desperately want an event such as the Olympics, but as the big event draws closer excitement usually turns to resentment because traffic sucks and there are cops everywhere.

Quick thinking entrepreneurs have decided to profit off the misery. Maiden, a U.K. company, is selling a series of Olympic themed tote bags, one of them reads “I’m renting my flat to a fat American Family.”

Well, isn’t that a shot right in jowls? Sure, us yanks could afford to lose some weight; after all, we have an obesity rate of 35.7%. Heck, even the small island nation of Fatmanistan is less obese than America.

Well if there’s one thing American’s can do other than eat processed foods at an alarming pace, it’s smack talk.

Let the Outsider show you how it’s done.

The Queen’s subjects must be a model of physical fitness in order to take such a cheap shot at people willing to go and spend money to help boost their economy.

Britain's obesity rate? 26.1%. That’s right, a paltry 9% percent difference somehow gives them some kind of extreme fitness moral high ground.

The real irony here is the Americans traditionally destroy the British in the medal count. Perhaps the tote bag should mention renting the medal podium to American athletes, as well.

The English have such a pretty national anthem, it’s a shame they’ll hardly get to hear it over the next couple months.

Next we move to the country that started the Olympics, Greece. A Greek triple jumper made a fairly racist comment on Twitter that got her kicked off the team. Voula Papchristou (whose name is almost 140 characters) tweeted, “with so many Africans in Greece, at least the West Nile mosquitos will eat homemade food."

Alright Greece, game on! Just because you invented the Olympics doesn’t mean you’re good at them. You wouldn’t imply that because Thomas Edison invented the Model T*, that’s he was automatically a good driver - although he probably was because he was a man.

The Outsider is going to continue to stick up for his more melanin endowed brethren by pointing out those eating glass gyros shouldn't... Wait, maybe that's not how that phrase goes. Regardless, everyone knows that the Greek economy is in shambles, they don't have any money, and they don't really produce anything. So how hard would it be to just take all the old "poor" jokes and replace "poor" with Greek?

See how you like it!

• You’re so Greek, you have to take the trash IN!

• You’re so Greek, you can’t pay attention!

• You’re so Greek, ducks throw bread at you!

• A Greek triple jumper walks down the street with one shoe, and when someone asks if she lost a shoe she says, "No, I found one."

To the Greek’s credit, this was just one person making a stupid comment. The heads of the actual Greek team were the ones who decided to kick her out.

Another thing to consider is, to the Outsider’s knowledge, there are no actual Olympic rules that say you can’t be a racist moron on Twitter so perhaps this punishment is too strict?

You be the judge (the universal journalistic cop-out).

Kristen Stewart Cheats On That Sickly Looking Guy With An Old Married Man

Hey everybody come quick, here’s a rare story about infidelity in Hollywood!

It seems the star and the director of the movie “Snow White And The Huntsman” (which the Outsider believes grossed approximately $14.00 world wide, but he doesn’t have the stats to back that up) have hooked up much to the dismay of the people they said they were going to be committed to.

Kristen Stewart, who shot to fame by staring in the “Twilight” saga, cheated her her boyfriend Robert Pattinson who also shot to to fame by staring in the “Twilight” saga, with the director of “Snow White” Rupert Sanders, who before that movie had directed some commercials or something (seriously, no one knew who this fucking guy was).

The Outsider admits he saw half of one of the “Twilight” movies once and missed the second half because he decided it would be more fun to lock himself in the bathroom and see how long he could hold his breath. He joined the in-story love triangle controversy by forgoing teams Jacob and Edward and captained “Team Pass-Out.”

This whole episode should only be surprising to you if you’re a talking farm animal, considering that Stewart has a history of hooking up with co-workers, and she wasn’t really known at all before “Twilight” it stands to reason that this type of behavior might be pathological.

As for Sanders, well this is his first big break, too. Stewart is much younger and one of the biggest rising stars in Hollywood. Long hours of working together presented an opportunity that was too good to pass up for either of their egos.

The big loser here is Sanders wife, Liberty Ross. She really didn’t deserve any of this and there’s not really a whole lot more to say about her than that. The ego boost was apparently more important than his kids.

The big winner here? Robert Pattinson. This guy is young and needs to take full advantage of his situation quick before American women wake up and realize vampires are stupid. Unfortunately for Pattinson, there is no way he could ever play anything other than a vampire or a cancer patient.

*The Outsider knows it was Henry Ford who invented the Model T, he just wants to see how many people comment without reading these footnotes. Everyone knows Edison invented the Model A.

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Like this article? Check out other editions of The Hollywood Outsider, exclusively for twoday magazine:

     The Hollywood Outsider: Exposures Abound

     The Hollywood Outsider: Checking Out But Never Leaving