It's time for your weekly edition of The Hollywood Outsider.
For those of you who don’t know, this is twodaymag's look at the world of news and pop culture through the eyes of a pop culture ignoramus.
It has been as busy week so everyone grab your capes and your cod-pieces; we're going to administer some justice on these headlines!
Anyone who has the pleasure of knowing the Outsider personally knows that he has four reasons for doing the things he does known as: The Hollywood Outsider's Four Pillars Of Motivation, and they are as follows:
1. Because it's funny.
2. Because you have to.
3. Pure spite.
4. Can't remember the fourth one.
This story involves at least two of these pillars. Hip-hop artist, Pitbull, recently held a contest with Walmart and a company that sells "energy strips" (whatever the hell that is) that said he would visit whichever Walmart store received the most "likes" nationwide. This prompted a writer for the Boston Phoenix to hatch a plan that is both hilarious and awesome.
David Thorpe searched for the most remote Walmart location possible and decided it had to be Kodiak Alaska, population 6,130. Kodiak is a small island just southeast of the Bering Straight and the best-selling item at their Walmart is bear repellant. Thorpe then encouraged his readers to like that Walmart. More people used the Outsider's Four Pillars and “liked” Kodiak out of spite rather than any of Pitbull's fans who would be actually interested in seeing him, and the small Alaskan island was victorious.
There is a lesson to be learned here, in the age of the internet one has to be very specific when it comes to describing something one will obligate himself to do. This is known as the ‘Meatloaf Rule’. Meatloaf has publicly stated that he would do "anything" for love, which some internet prankster could easily say, "OK then, stick yourself with a used heroine needle." But Meatloaf has a clause in his contract which says he won't do "that," and "that" could essentially mean "whatever he wants."
Pitbull should have applied the Meatloaf rule to his contest and said, "I will go to any Walmart with the most likes, but I won't go 'there.'"
To his credit, Pitbull is taking the joke in stride. Not only is he going to go to Kodiak saying, "I would go anywhere for my fans." - the irony being that it clearly wasn't any of his "fans" that sent him there - but he is also inviting Thorpe to go with him.
Currently, Thorpe is planning on going provided he can raise the funds, as one can imagine that a trip to Kodiak, Alaska is expensive (and apparently riddled with bears).
Comedian Fred Willard, famous for being the highlight of such films as “Best in Show” and “A Mighty Wind”, recently got busted for ‘Fred-ing his Willard’ in a California adult movie theater (a little known writer's trick for alluding to masturbation is simply use the person's first name as a verb and his last name as the euphemism).
This story has completely shocked the Outsider in ways you can't even imagine. Mainly because he had no idea such theaters still existed. What is this, 1989? If you can read this right now then you are no doubt aware of the internet (as twodaymag is not a physical magazine, mostly because they are stupid expensive to print and nobody reads them).
Fred, the Outsider is big fan of yours so forgive him when he says he's a little hurt by this. We live in an age where people acquire adult content on their smart phones while in the bathroom to hide it from their girlfriends. Who goes to a theater?
There is good news for Willard, though. In California, the masturbation law says that the act is only illegal if it is done within eyeshot of someone who might be offended. This brings up a whole new hobby, if a person wanted to apply Pillar Three (see above), that person could just hang out in adult theaters all day and yell about how offended they are by viewing people "Fred-ing."
In the end this probably won't hurt Willard's career too badly. He did however, get fired from his current gig on PBS's show "Market Warriors" which is like "Antique Roadshow" and not about any actual warriors (found that out the hard way).
The comeback road may be long and hard, but the Outsider is sure Fred will rise to the challenge. No pun intended. Well...maybe a little.
twoday magazine wants to know: What headlines had you laughing this week? Share with us on our Facebook page.
Check out other hilarious commentaries on pop culture by twoday magazine’s very own: Hollywood Outsider: