Two Day Magazine

It’s the beginning of September, and the view from my television looks harried, indeed.

The November presidential election is coming up, and I couldn’t be more terrified.  The Daily Show and The Colbert Report take up only an hour combined of airtime every night—versus the four channels dedicated to twenty four hour mind fuckery about how Obama was actually born in Satan’s asshole and how Mitt Romney is actually a robot, and a tiny Martian lives inside his mind, doing his best human being impression.

In short, I’m not going to make it.  Jon Stewart can only talk me through so much!

After so many hours of listening and watching my sanity begins to slowly wear itself down.  A few hours into watching CNN and I’m already experiencing auditory hallucinations.

What am I hearing, you ask?  Oh, the usual. It’s just George Bush and Sarah Palin singing “Sweet Home Alabama,” both of which are completely butchering the pronunciation Alabama so that they may seem folksy and normal despite their bizarre twisted lives and won’t-you-please- vote-for-us-America-don’tcha-know-that-if-ya-don’t-nuke-ular-weapons-will-blow-up-the-economy-and-we’ll-all-be-slaves-to-big-government-and-the-lame-stream-media?!

You don’t even want to know what happens when visual hallucinations start up.

Let’s just say, I’ve seen Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and Nancy Pelosi do terrible things…to each other.  The boys are in powdered wigs and heels, and Nancy Pelosi is armed with a whip, dressed in a Sally Hemmings outfit.  And yes, I am currently seeking therapy.

So what’s a girl to do when she has two more months of this drudgery ahead of her?!  Bury my head in the sand?!  I live on the East Coast!  The only sand I see is the kind that Taco Bell puts in their food!  Hell, I see the sun so infrequently that when it does appear my skin begins to sizzle and I run to the woods to seek shelter from the light demon that lives in the sky.

Literal interpretations of metaphors aside, no matter what you do, you can’t really hide from the election.  Even when trying to watch a YouTube video entitled “Relaxing Meditation Music” there is a political ad preceding it.  

How am I supposed to get zen if Barack Obama has taken out an ad that essentially states that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan hate me and my uterus?  Now I’m worried about what on earth my uterus could’ve done to displease them so much.  Has it been running amok whilst I am asleep, having pre-marital sex and then forgetting to “shut it down”?  I must have a talk with it at once!

Oddly enough, as expansive as the internet is, there is no place to hide from the election.  Ever site you go on, every video you watch, every blog you read (guilty as charged! Sorry guys!) is filled with speculation, fake facts, pictures of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.  I mean, for God sake’s people, LET IT GO.

So, the computer is out of bounds.  But what about the TV?

Surely, the sweet, luscious television that holds funny shows and do-it-yourself home improvement ideas couldn’t hurt me as bad as the unfiltered, laissez fair internet?  Right?

I live by myself, and thus, the television is my companion. Sitting in silence is okay, but after a long time, you just want some noise, some sounds that human beings make.  It keeps you from feeling so alone.  But when the television isn’t so much as a companion as it is the annoying neighbor who lives above you and won’t stop banging her sister’s fiancée (yeah, I know what you’re up to, you amoral hussy!) you have the distinct desire to gouge out your ear drums.

The political circus is being played out on every channel it seems.  Even if I’m watching TLC, Mitt Romney is approving a message, while Barack Obama is NOT approving that message, and then some other guys are just not into this message…It’s maddening, because it’s absolutely USELESS.

DEBATE.  TALK.  GIVE ME FACTS. 

Don’t just bash each other.  Essentially, all you are telling me is “I am a huge douche.  But this guy, is like, a much bigger one.  So vote for me or suffer his uh, er, douchiness.  If you don’t vote for me you must want to eat Bald eagles and change the holiday “Christmas” to “HappyHolidaysAtheismYay!  U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Kay bye!”

Also, could someone please make journalists intelligent and inquisitive, and, uh, I don’t know… JOURNALISTS again?!  Before they use to want to investigate, to get to the bottom of things, but lately they’re just sycophants spouting propaganda fed to them by their clearly biased news network.  Where’s the questioning?  The self-discovery?  The reflection?  And how did so many Martians get working human robots to live in, and why do they all have such strong political affiliations?

What are you supposed to do anymore?  No one is telling us what we want to know, and all anyone is concerned with is spouting their aggression and hate for the opposing party.  Because we all know that’s really what our divided country needs—more reasons to hate each other. 

After all, weren’t you running out of reasons on your own?  Because if there’s anything human beings totally suck at, it’s seeing the negative and verbally attacking anything we’re afraid of.
By the way…did you know that all Republicans not only want to force you to have babies, but also think your period is caused by a heretic pagan goddess who only affects you if Jesus Christ is not your personal savior?  That whole statement may be untrue, but it’s shocking and people will believe anything we say so suck it!  OBAMA ’12!

Sigh.

I don’t have the answer as to what we should do in order to stop the machine, other than to not feed it ourselves, and to not absorb anything it spits out.  Above all else, THINK FOR YOURSELF.  And think critically.  Take nothing for face value.  Distrust everything people say, especially whatever the people you like say.  Because once you like them, you’re inclined to believe anything they want you to.

And last time I checked, all Republicans don’t hate my body, and all Democrats do not care about the working class.  There is no good and evil.  No black and white.  Weigh your options, and decide what’s best for you, your family, and everyone else.  By caring about others, even those who you disagree with, you take some steam out of their machine.

So when November comes around, be sure that you’re running the machine, and it’s not running you.

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twoday magazine wants to know: Does it feel like the system has failed you? What would you like to see change in how we handle presidential elections? Share with us your thought on our Facebook page.

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Like this article? Check out some other hilarious (and poignant!) pieces by Mia Bencivenga, exclusively for twoday magazine:

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