Two Day Magazine

Fufilling Desires in the Aftermath of War

Relationships are hard work even under the best of circumstances.  The give and take, the scheduling, the strive to keep the fire going, and the all important quest to keep your partner content can require a great deal of effort.  There is a relatively new hurdle emerging in that quest in light of the ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan:  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, for short.  It is estimated that approximately 15% of vets who have served in Iraq and/or Afghanistan suffer from PTSD.  

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, signs and symptoms of PTSD include “persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. They may experience sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled.”  

This begs the question, “How do I carry on a relationship if my partner or I suffer from PTSD?”  As a veteran of Operation Enduring Freedom, I’ve suffered from PTSD and still  been able to continue on in a healthy and loving relationship for two years; I can provide you with some tips.

First, just like in any potential long-term relationship, you have to determine if your partner is genuinely worth the effort.  You need to be able to trust him/her, or conversely if your partner is the one with PTSD, earn his/her trust.  Trust is a key ingredient in any relationship, but is paramount to a person with PTSD.  We tend to throw up the proverbial wall and to repel anyone who tries to break through, more so than you may usually find.  Once the trust is established, the hardest part is over.

The key ingredient is for both parties to understand that the other person isn’t there just to fulfill THEIR needs and desires. This goes for any relationship in general, but is even more important in this situation. Part of suffering from PTSD is feeling detached and withdrawn from others.  Both of you need to recognize and understand this. Speaking from experience, at times it can be a Herculean effort for me to focus on putting my girlfriend’s needs before my own, and even though she doesn’t let on, I’m certain it’s the same thing for her.  

Next, you will need to cope with what I call “the Episodes.”  These can vary from person to person, depending on their particular trauma, and the severity of their diagnosis.  For me, these include times of just wanting to be left alone, hyper vigilance (some might call it paranoia), and not liking things that go “boom”.  I used to enjoy fireworks, but not anymore.  Some of my battle buddies have difficult times dealing with large crowds; others have trouble with traffic.  Keep these factors in mind when planning a date!

And finally, the most important tip if your partner is the one with PTSD, is to take your time discussing the events that caused the case of PTSD.  Most experts agree that talking about what happened helps the patient recover, but this is not an open invitation to interview him or her in-depth about their experiences.  Wait for them to open up voluntarily.  As curious as you may be, let it rest until he or she decides it’s time to tell you.  This shows your partner that you respect him/her.  Their reticence to talk about things generally won’t be due to a lack of trust or respect for you.  Most likely it will be because the events are painful to recall, or that he/she doesn’t want to paint a graphic picture that could likely cause you any emotional discomfort.
In the end, being in a PTSD relationship is similar to being in a normal relationship.  Keep in mind the tips mentioned above, add some extra TLC, and if the love is there, then you have the all the tools you will need for your relationship to work!  

For more info on PTSD, click here: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml