The death of a friend or loved one (human or pet) undoubtedly is one of the darkest times in our life, as we mourn their loss and look to move forward without them.
Like milestone family reunions and weddings, funerals tend to be one of the few instances where lives stop to pay attention to an important life-changing event, and to remember the impact the loved one made on our life and the lives of others.
Even the best writers have a hard time finding the right words to say to someone regarding the death of their loved one. But a personal connection — a hug, dinner or a chat on a couch in a living room — offers ways of showing someone you are there for them during an extremely important time of need.
So I am dismayed each and every time I see a friend’s Facebook page filled with dozens and dozens messages left by folks offering their condolences via something as emotionless as a social media outlet.
“hey hon sorry 4 ur loss” isn’t exactly the kind of uplifting message that would help get me through a situation as a difficult as losing a family member or friend.
Yet, people leave messages like that — in droves, actually.
Other messages are written with fewer spelling and grammar errors, but still don’t have the same connection as a phone call or even a hand-written sympathy card. One could argue a Hallmark card with printed scripture or some saying in a fancy writing style also offers no emotions. And one might be right. But at least their is a ritual of some sorts attached to finding the right card with the right sentiment, and then selecting a card that fits the person you are sending it to.
Within the last week, I learned of the death of a friend’s mother, who died in September. I was astonished to learn of her death, but also was amazed none of our mutual friends let me know.
When I called two friends to learn what had happened, both gave similar answers when I explained I felt bad for not knowing.
“I thought you’d have seen it on Facebook,” was the response of one of the two friends I called.
I see this particular friend’s silly posts and tons of the games she plays online, but one post about her mother’s death evaded me. And nobody thought to let me know.
I still have to send a card, but I did see this friend the other day and offered my sympathies, explaining why I hadn’t gotten in touch sooner. I felt bad. She felt bad that I felt bad that I didn’t know when it had happened.
When I learned of her mother’s death, however, I specifically chose not to e-mail her or send her a Facebook message. I couldn’t think of anything so emotionless than to offer condolences via the Internet.
What kind of world do we live in that we cannot — even for a few minutes or a few hours — stop to recognize the importance of a life lost? Sure, we all grieve in various ways, and some might find comfort in reading Facebook posts, but nothing ever can replace a calming voice and a focused ear (or two) listening and offering support.
Over the weekend, I learned of another friend’s mother’s death from last week thanks to the number of messages left on this person’s Facebook page.
I saw messages of support and sympathy — very kind gestures from friends near and far. One post caught my eye for its use of punctuation.
Apparently “:*(((“ is supposed to mean something like, “I’m not just sad or kind of sad, but I’m mega, mega, mega sad for your loss.”
A colon, asterisk and three parentheses don’t really offer the same affection as, say, a big hug and shoulder lie your head on.
If I end up living a long life, I hope that, by the time I die, it won’t be socially acceptable to attend a funeral simply by clicking a link and listening to the eulogy. I think we all deserve more than that.
************************************
twoday magazine wants to know if you think technology has changed the way we view love and loss. Share with us on our Facebook page.
Follow @twodaymag on Twitter to keep up with our fantastic team of writers.
Like this article by Bobby Cherry? Check other pieces he has written exclusively for twoday magazine:
Can’t get enough of Bobby Cherry? We can’t, either! So don’t forget to check out his website: BobbyCherry.com and follow him on Twitter @GoBobbo.
erikdolnack
I remember a business trip to Virginia in late 2001. At the time, I worked for a small advertising agency and was riding in a car with my boss, another designer, and our staff writer/producer. As we were driving, one of my colleagues made the comment, “It’s amazing in this day and age that not one of us has a cell phone”. And we didn’t. Two of the four of us were business owners and we other two were professionals with years of experience between us.
That was 2001.
Here we are, eleven years later, and everyone and their grandmother has a cell phone today. And not just a cell phone, but a portable computer, DVD movie player, music playing device, gaming device all rolled into one. Facebook would not be half the phenomenon it is if not for the smartphone/iPhone/iPad/Kindle explosion of late. Without the portable hardware at an affordable price, the software is useless.
Smartphone technology has changed our world, for better or worse. I doubt there’s ever any going back. We communicate differently now.
I’ve been hanging out with a small group of younger guys in their early 30s lately. We all hang out at a local bar, where they have a ping-pong table. Me and my friends often play ping-pong as we try new brands of beer. One day as we were all playing, my friend George noted, “How cool is this, that in this day and age, here’s all us relatively young guys all hanging out in public and playing a real life old fashioned game of ping-pong in the real word instead of communicating on electronic devices like most people today”.
And George was right: there is something incredible cool about that.
.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
I love technology. I’m addicted to it just as much as anybody, but there’s also a time and a place for its use.
Not that I want to think about this, but if either of my parents were to die before me, I would not want a single person to write on my Facebook page or send me an e-mail. I likely would never speak with them again. I can’t think of anything more shallow.
That said, I LOVE technology.
It’s good to see that you and some friends can enjoy things in life without technology. That is something to be proud of!
erikdolnack
There’s definitely something about Facebook that makes users feel invulnerable.
It’s a lot like road rage: where drivers feel protected inside an enclosed car and will shout, scream, swear and be very arrogant and belligerent whereas they’d never likely behave like that outside the protective enclosure of a moving vehicle.
Facebook and Twitter likewise give users a feeling of isolation and they feel removed from any physical threat so they act differently.
I myself am just as guilty as anyone at this, which is why I banned all social online networking from my life. I hope to never use online social media ever again. There’s nothing to gain and everything to lose.
E.